Archive
i only post when i can’t sleep
Another sleepless night. Made me a cup of Organic Nighty Night. Its been a while and if I have to I will call in sick tomorrow. There’s nothing that pressing on my schedule. It was a pretty exciting day on the campaign trail and that has my mind buzzing and sleep elusive. Less then 2 weeks to go to the election, pretty exciting.
Today I did a training for work on integrating primary health care into the substance abuse treatment that we do. I had my “A” game today and actually had some time at work to prepare the training. I gave a little background and context in regards to health care reform and why it makes since that we tackle the issue, as substance abuse counselors we are the motivational enhancement experts and we need to tackle chronic disease management or our clients are going to die. In Missouri if you have a mental illness you die on average 25 years younger then average. That’s why we don’t have many elderly clients, they’re all dead.
I opened with Health Literacy. I wrote a Health Literate handout on the subject after looking exhaustively for a health literate version of a handout for a preventable chronic disease and striking out. Health Literacy is exactly opposite of what it sounds. Its dumbing everything down to a 5th grade level, short words in short sentences in short paragraphs with lots of pictures. If you read this blog you know that is not my style. I am bookish and like to write for others who are the same. But we have to convey information in a way people can understand. I goofed on the topic though and talked about how much it hurt me and encouraged us to work on literacy as well. I said someday it will all be pictograms and health literacy will be talking about the elitism of words.
The biggest correlation to health is literacy level, greater then race or economic status. Knowledge is power.
I then moved into how to make a doctor’s appt. at the local free clinic and wrote down step by step instructions from navigating through their voicemail to what to say and not say. It kills me that I am the only one who knows how to do it when you just have to try it, learn from your mistakes, and make a note of the process. Then I talked about Health Coaching. Which is basically do they have doctors instructions, if not get them, do they know what they are and help them do them. I did it in a little flow chart and kept it light and funny.
I closed with my Dad’s respiratory tech who came out and said she couldn’t ask him to quit smoking because she was a smoker and called that out for the bullshit that it is. It wasn’t about her. He needed to hear that if he didn’t quit smoking he was going to die, not some day but next month, which is what happened. I brought it back to the beginning that we were the experts on motivation and with all her education and training she sucked at it and killed my dad and this is why we need to do this stuff.
I left early from work to have my interview with Hank Waters, he’s the publisher of the Tribune and semi-retired but still writes the editorials. Pretty spry and we had a lively conversation. I feel my chances are strong for an endorsement. He picked up a couple words I used to describe myself and called me a “passionate realist”. I believe that’s pretty apt. I at least got a chance to tell him I love newspapers and the Trib. I forgot to mention the arts section is a little hoity toity.
Then it was on to door knocking. I had missed a day for the Keep Columbia Safe Forum yesterday (went well, in a panned shot on TV as they covered the event but not anything we said except for the incumbent in another ward). Doors went well. Had people who knew who I was. Had my best door ever with a developer and active Chamber of Commerce member who had a sign up for my opponent. He apologized and gave me $100 for the campaign. They’re is some regret in those circles as I am a passionate articulate campaigner and they like that.
Had a driver which helps a lot and Jesse is good, lays out my turf and scouts ahead. Really makes it easy. I also door knocked the street of the current rep which was fun. I said I couldn’t promise they would have the same access as they have now as I wouldn’t be able to buy the house next door but pointed out my phone #. It was fun.
Stopped and saw Jeff and he showed the attack ad by a candidate in another ward. Hateful, fabricated innuendo and lies. Hope I’m never in a campaign like that. We poke each other a bit when we get the chance but in a good spirited way. It is a contest after all and we have to create some discrepancy. Our answers can run pretty similar with these municipal issues. Bill Pauls came out swinging at the last forum. I enjoyed his passion and he layed out a community response to crime that sounded a lot like what I’ve been saying. In fact it was noticed, not just by me, that all the candidates, well not the candy maker dude, were talking my talking points. That’s fine by me, as long as they govern that way.
That was originally what I thought I could get out of this. Shape the debate a bit. I’ve done that, for both wards that are in play and I may just win this thing. After seeing Jeff took Jesse out for some Mexican food and then home. Went to bed early but only slept an hour and have been up. Almost a thousand words and a cup of sleepy tea and I’m still not sleepy.
Well maybe a little. Maybe some Peter Parker the Spectacular Spider Man will help. I’m up to 1985 now. They’re better, starting to mature a bit. I’ve enjoyed reading 7 years of it straight and seeing it grow and develop. The early 80s were tough times. Can’t say I miss them much. Its been rainy. Basement flooded. The rain barrels need some adjustment but I’m in dress clothes all the time and its wet out so I haven’t wanted to mess with it. This weekend I have to mow. Front yard on Saturday and back on Sunday. That’s gonna be hard with the push reel and then walking all day. My sketchers make my toes on my right foot hurt. I need insoles for my hand me down from Dave shoes I wore today.
There’s probably more of note I forgot. Every day is an adventure now, which is cool. But I’m going to try and go back to bed. The baptists ring the church bells all night. they’re also two minutes slow.
Step 2 part 1
http://www.cyberrecovery.net/NA/StepTwo.html
Cyber Recovery posts the steps of Narcotics Anonymous electronically. I have been asked by a deaf individual to translate the steps into concrete, simple English with all hearing references removed. I did this orally and it was immensely helpful and personally rewarding for myself to understand the material and to grow in my health literacy skills. Here is the first half of Step 2, I hope to finish by Sunday.
Step 2
Not seeing our life is good is like still doing drugs. We can focus to much on things that are wrong. We can focus to much on a thing that is good. We can look at the good things in our life to much and have an accident. Drug addicts look at the world in three ways. We can think things are to good and not pay attention. We can think the world is sad and unhappy and feel sad and unhappy. We can also look at the world with clear eyes and see thinking like a drug addict makes us unhappy. When we see clearly we can find a balance. We can see good and bad and respond like we should. Seeing things as they are is a gift. We can move forward without being afraid of a disaster. Life is not happy all the time or sad all the time.
Doing the same thing and thinking it will be different is what drug addicts do. We have to think about our old way of doing things to have a different life. If we don’t its still like when drugs controlled our life. If we trust enough to act differently we can see change can happen. We do something different and different things happen. We are moving forward. Knowing what real life is makes us sane.
Being an addict makes us obsess over stuff. “Coming to believe” lets us see what is real. Thinking can only take us part way to God. What we say to ourselves has to match what is real. When they are different we suffer. We have to work on this every day. We believe what we have done.
Faith is trusting without having done it. Belief can be what we have done or faith and what we have done. In the old days people submitted to a king. When we ask “is it okay?” to someone we are submitting to them. We all have people and things we submit to. We submit to things we believe in. In recovery we look at what we believe in.
This choice is very clear in recovery. Early in recovery we can decide not to submit to things that make us feel bad. We learn to decide what it is to be sane. Choosing what to believe takes practice. Some addicts didn’t know they could choose what to submit to. Some addicts never thought to try and resist. Submitting appeared like we had to.
Believing in something is giving up to that idea. Our seeing gets bigger when we look at things like other people do and feel. We talk to others about what we each feel and do. We can talk to others and read books to know how to stay clean. “Coming to believe” means we can stop submitting to bad people and bad things. We can ask ourselves, “Can I do better?” Looking at ourselves every day helps us see reality. We start to forget to worry about tomorrow and yesterday. The parts of yourself you don’t like are often crazy. We would not choose to do those things today. We have a bad life when we are not grateful.
Being sane in recovery must meet our needs each day. It is natural to feel confused as you change. When we are confused or upset it means we are changing. People in meetings and God can help us even if we haven’t worked all the steps or gotten very far in recovery. In recovery people are here for us and we are here for others. This is not true when we act like an addict to control other people. We can’t expect people to treat us better because we stopped doing drugs. We can treat people better who stop doing drugs if we want to. It is important to do it because we want to help or be nice and not because we expect something. What we do willingly is different then what we have to do. Being part of a group means we respect each other.
Peak Experience
Wrote this yesterday morning but it didn’t post so here it is now:
Looking at all that is going on in my life it has really been one of the most dynamic and positive periods that I’ve ever had. The campaign is going really well. Then next door I hit will be number 500 the days are getting longer and I have upped my goal from 2,000 to 3,000 which means I will knock on every door of every voter whose voted in any of the last four April elections. Fundraising is lagging but we put some energy towards that and got some hits. We’ll see if checks start appearing in the mail again.
There was a raise on my paycheck I didn’t expect. Its not a lot but its the first since the economy went to crap. I am enjoying my new work in program development. Thursday was an especially cool day. I went from doing general research to a brainstorm session with the boss and a grant writer on speaker phone and we kicked around some ideas and something went from a thought I had to a program description with a budget by the end of the day. It might exist in the real world in September.
It was pay day and I like to get a paper check and go to the bank. Remember nothing is worth doing unless its worth doing like they did in the 19th Century. That inspired me to finish my paperwork and gather my documents for refinancing the house. Took a look at the numbers going to lower my payment by a buck fifty and take 10 years off the mortgage. I am well on my way to having the place paid off, easily in 10, possibly in 5 and then we’re talking serious financial freedom. Work one year in five. Write the great American novel. Finish the Appalachian Trail, whatever.
I also have a date tonight. Yesterday at work I was talking with a client about her follow up with a family doctor I had set up and she said she was supposed to quit smoking on account of her asthma. It hit me it was February 10 and I was two years cigarette free. I called my no smoking coach to thank her and left a message. She called me back last night and invited me to dinner, since I’d eaten, we made it for tonight. Things just continue to fall in place.
I read Marcus Aurelius every night to keep me level. This time will pass like all the other times that have passed. Stay in the now, listen closely, act with honor whatever your station. Don’t be afraid.
up early again
Woke up about 3:00, forced myself to stay in bed until 5:00. Had a long and strange dream. I had gone back to Amsterdam but it seemed more like Austin. I was following up on some mystery from my last visit but it was more like a detective show then the actual mysteries I encountered in my eventful Amsterdam trip. There was political intrigue. I remember being in the situation where I knew I couldn’t remember most of what had happened in the last trip so people knew me but I didn’t know them. I remember someone taking my car. Eventually I encounter these business guys who did it and they think it is a pretty funny bit of hazing and I remember grabbing this heavyset bald guy in a suit and telling him that he just committed a felony and that if this shit doesn’t end right now I am having him prosecuted. I remember walking around with people I know through long tenement type apartment buildings and walking through people’s apartments and introducing ourselves. Flea markets with a big radio station promotion.
“Are you awake now?” I ask myself lying in bed allowing the details of the dream to come back in my mind. Dreams are cool and well worth cultivating. They’re just thoughts that we experience differently. The visual acuity, the sense of emotion, the heavy emotive content and lack of logic and social norms. The overall feeling (really the only thing that matters in dream interpretation) was one of discovery and adventure. A challenged sense of purpose that bounces back strong. Only a touch of confusion and that tempered by acceptance. I must be in a good place. Fido too, he slept in his own room last night.
Might take him for a walk even though I just did yesterday. I’ve got the time. All the house really needs is dishes done. Too rainy for laundry and it will force me to delve into my second tier dress clothes. All the walking and Marcus Aurelius is getting me more fit and trim. Wouldn’t mind growing down into some of my older dress shirts for example. My brown pants are fitting nice where I used to not be able to wear them with a shirt tucked in and they had fallen into the only to be worn in a pinch category.
Glad to have a tough week behind me at work. Closing or transferring all my cases has been grueling. A lot of details and good documentation essential for the hand off. Saying goodbye. “Mike, sorry I missed our appt. can I reschedule” “Well actually no you can’t, sorry I didn’t get to see you…good luck with the next guy”. I’m the only one who really meets people where they’re at all the time without exception. Some clients need that, everyone likes it. Everyone gets a step down in service.
The advantage of being a human being who talks to other human beings instead of the dis-empowering counselor to client relationship is they all care about me as a person too. Even though it sucks for them, none of them like people stepping out of their lives, they are happy for me and want me to be happy. They are proud to see me looking good and stepping into the spotlight. They know what I can do and can imagine that in the City Council. But its sad nonetheless.
I had a driver for my doors last night. Ann is a pilot and an interesting character who had some good tips and some things I hadn’t thought about. We hit the scattered houses in the precinct in the brand new neighborhood. All this generic America development. It was rainy and we saw the construction sites running with water mud pouring into the feeder creeks. In one site we saw the barrier material still in its rolls while the red mud pours into the creek. Everyone has a security system. The few people at home are content with the city. My picture and quotations are in that days paper and no one knows who I am.
Sarah is driving me today, might try her hand at door knocking. I am afraid its a little early for a surrogate. It definitely bombed when I tried having some help with signature gathering. If Sarah wants to do it we’ll give it a shot. Mostly she wants to hang out and be supportive which I appreciate. I got caught up on my follow up calls but it seemed late to be calling my assigned political contacts I need to reach out to. That’ll be today, Lord Willing and the creek don’t rise. Its supposed to be a rainy one. Need to figure out better plastic for my clipboard. Tried a comicbook bag cut in half which has the right size but was to flimsy.
The garage is flooded. I’ll need to get the subpump outflow extension back on track I suspect. Should have left well enough alone when I was messing in there. Dad usually had a reason for doing stuff. I miss him this morning. His wisdom, his unabashed self interest, which I always seem to run a little short on and causes me trouble.
Ordered beans yesterday. Will run short and probably have to pick up half a pound. Don’t even know if Z-Best is still at the market been roasting my own for so long. I’ll chat ’em up if they’re there. I hope the bread lady has some sliced. I ate the last of Jeff’s last night. I’d make myself some eggs but no bread. Eggs have been around awhile and will probably hard boil them. That or get the bacon out of the freezer. A pound of bacon is a big commitment for a household of one. (Sorry Fido no salt and nitrates for you buddy, I want you to live to be 20 so you’ll stay on dog cereal.)
Guess I’ll get my second cup of coffee, made it stronger today as this Guat is not that flavorful, hope the next is better. Got a Guat, Sumatran, Ethiopian and a Rwandan for the next round. Was going to treat myself to a pound of Kona or Jamaican Blue Mountain, damn the expense but they’re both out of season.
wow, what a day
I didn’t post yesterday. I hit a wall, stymied by trying to complete a campaign ethics report online and then navigating through establishing online banking for the campaign account. Ate up my day light and I didn’t get to talk to any voters. It was a stressful day at work, with a tight frenetic pace and no longer have the option to just work a little longer to wrap it all up. But if going the extra mile were easy it wouldn’t be a commandment and everyone would do it.
Today was a good day. I went to bed early last night not even finishing my absinthe, served classically. Thanks John for the absinthe spoon, a rarely used but much appreciated kitchen gadget. If you don’t know you serve absinthe by pouring the shot over a sugar cube which rests on a slotted spoon that has a little bump to go over the edge of the glass. It clouds the water in a particular way and hard on the liver I hear so I drink sparingly. Last night I had the barest sip before deciding to hit the hay and let the glass sit on the counter. Left the house smelling like licorice and I finished it tonight after canvassing.
Woke at 4:00 and felt pretty good but lay in bed and pretended to sleep until 6:30. I got dressed, business casual, that’s probably reason enough for my work to be proud I’m running, finally dressing like your supposed to. Creates a hurdle to engage with folks who are more ghetto for lack of a better word. Poor people make assumptions about people in ties, usually correct ones. Now people are surprised when I talk about my sister who is addicted to crack (3 years clean though, so no shame there, nothing wrong with being an addict just doing drugs. some of the best people I know are addicts.) They used to take it as a given, I was more like them.
April 4th I go back to being me.
Today I put on slacks (long johns underneath for canvassing), dress shoes, dress shirt and cardigan. Debated the tie and realized it was Saturday. I made the call as all the city staffers and managers were dressed in their business casual/fancy casual except the deputy manager of a department who was filling in for his boss. He had a suit cuz he didn’t know. The Ward 6 candidate was in a tie, he didn’t know either. I sat next to him and we related as candidates.
His opposition is closer to me politically. It was nice meeting her and getting her perspective. I also introduced myself to the conservative council person who came even though he’s not up for re-election this year. He told a funny story about goofy constituent calls where someone complained about the parking enforcement double parking while they wrote him a parking ticket. The councilman brought up the beer trucks that block the street willy nilly servicing the bars downtown. “Well I like beer trucks”.
I heard presentations on city government by the city manager, and all the department heads and the municipal court judge. It was really informative and I am largely impressed with how the city is run. Columbia is the best governed place I’ve ever lived (with apologies to 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place Monroe, Michigan; Berkeley, California, and Toledo, Ohio. Honorable mention to Rossford, Ohio because I didn’t know enough to follow local politics in my 19-20 years).
I learned that at our current funding for street repair we will repave the streets every 57 years. Streets last 30 years. We also have big pension underfunding issues, a storm water situation that is not getting the resources it needs and revenue is flat to down. We’re going to have to be really smart with what we do with our little dollars.
I was most impressed with the city manager who is personable, smart and a good leader. Seems like he is taking the city in a good direction. I am also impressed that we have maintained good reserves which has cushioned us through the tough times except for transit which is going to need some additional revenue or major cuts to services.
Neither of my opponents showed up. In a way it was cool, allowed me to relax and be treated as the heir apparent. I also learned one of my opponents had voted against GetAboutColumbia a $4.3 million (this year) Federal grant for non-motorized transportation as a Parks and Rec Commission guy because some people don’t like it. Its controversial, blow back by motorists who feels bicyclists are getting uppity or something but damn, that’s got to be a majority issue, even if you hate trails that’s a lot of jobs to be against.
I got interviewed so imagine I’ll be in the paper. Hope my professional head shot got in to the paper in time, although I like the unflattering float trip pic. they pulled off Facebook for the first story. Keeps me humble being a homely mug with a giant melon. Canvassing and staying on my dog walking schedule is going to have me looking good by April. I’ll have to come up with a scheme to keep it up.
After the interview I grabbed some Indian food, delicious downtown and hit the streets to canvass. The new flyer is out and looks a lot better with the new photo. Tomorrow I need to schedule another photo shoot, get the dog in the picture. I let him out and then canvassed until dark. I had a brief hiatus to wait for flyers but some down time was appreciated.
Had some good houses today. Met an anti-obesity community organizer and talked quite a bit. I went to one house and no one came to the door even though only the storm door was closed. A kid came up with a scooter and I gave her a flyer and asked her to give it to her parents. She said, “I don’t have parents, just a mom. I had two moms but one moved out.” I was thinking I was sorry I missed her as with a story like that it has to be someone I know and sure enough I heard Mike, Mike shouted down the block and got caught up with an old friend.
I’ve hit 126 doors. Not to shabby though I am off pace. It may not be realistic. I am going to try to recruit a driver to speed the process. I made my follow up calls. I talked at length with an older couple about the state of the neighborhood and they are going to talk to some neighbors and may gather a group to meet me. They live in the same block as the sweet old lady I talked to at length about not knowing her neighbors when she didn’t come to the door. When I left a message for one she had specifically mentioned she did not know I mentioned the possibility of a meeting.
I have this dream where the older folks meet the newer folks and everyone feels a little safer and a little more neighborly. To rekindle our cross-generational interactions. It might start on Garden Drive. I’ve been praying for that little old lady. After that did some business and looking to wind down and get some shut eye. Tomorrow morning is my own, you can’t canvass before noon on Sunday as you are supposed to be in church. If its at all nice I will walk Fido to the dog park and try to chat up some dog people. Fido has been getting his walks but its been after dark and he needs to see more dogs to have as much life satisfaction as i would like him to have. John was sweet enough to remind me that even with being busy Fido has a better life then most.
I know that. I got no room for guilt. I’ve been working hard all day, every day and get to sleep the sleep of the just. Its a good thing to work hard and try to help. There’s a lot of mess out there but there’s a lot of room for growth if you’ve got a little hustle and a lot of compassion.
step one part three
Welcome back faithful reader. Its been a busy week and I am to tired to work on the campaign or clean house and the rabbit ears only get in the Christian channel tonight, its encouraging me to tell people about Jesus. I do want to talk about God. I’ve been excited about my literacy project of breaking down the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) into simple, concrete English, with hearing references removed. Its my second pass at the subject, the first in writing and I feel its going well. Glad to have good feedback from my sister Brenda who is steeped in recovery. As a full disclaimer I am not, I am a treatment person not a recovery person but knowing the steps is a good thing for everyone. I feel like a good translator in that I haven’t agreed with everything personally but am trying to capture the spirit of the test which is powerful and has more beauty then I first gave it credit. (I prefer the AA Big Book for sheer literary power).
Anyway I was talking to Chris about the project as an NA guru and genuinely good guy I appreciate his input and I was telling him I had to throw out Higher Power when I was getting down to concrete English and explained God was concrete but Higher Power is abstract. He said “OK, just so you tell him God is other people”. Early recovery people identified Higher Power to make it more accessible which is cool and essential for a lot of folks. But when people believe it just makes it easier to stick to the more real “God”. Its early so I hope to finish the first step tonight and still give my DVD player one more shot at playing a movie.
If we think we are our problems and don’t see our problems are part of being sick we won’t be able to see things right. Addicts are overly sensitive to what is going on. We can’t leave things alone. We have problems because we want to know stuff and fight for stuff but we believe things that are not true. We forget how confused we were when we started to use drugs. Forgetting stuff, confusion, and having trouble doing stuff is normal when we first stop using drugs even if we used to be good at stuff. We get back into life when we stop being confused.
What we see and how we feel is still controlled by drugs when we first get clean. People in NA say, “Give it up to God”. “Take it easy”. “Keep coming until God heals you.” “Keep coming back”. Things like this help us not to be selfish and to accept life as it is.
Recovery helps us live. Recovery is like food. We get into trouble when we don’t let people be free. Addiction keeps us from seeing that what we do makes what happens to us. Recovery is looking at the world as it is. We stop fighting and life is fun and interesting. We can finally be happy because it seems real. Not looking at the world as it is keeps us sick. Only if we admit we are powerless over drugs and give it up to God can we feel better. People who plan on using drugs and won’t admit they are powerless over drugs will keep on lying to themselves. Some people are not addicts and they should get help somewhere else. Addicts can learn about recovery at NA.
Addiction has been around a long time but recovery is pretty new. At first it seems normal and right. In meetings we see other addicts who have stopped using drugs. Then we have doubt and think it is to good to be true. We are trapped because we are afraid to change. Doing drugs makes us think bad things about people, gets our feelings hurt and tells us we can’t be better. Everyone in NA goes through this. We give things to God and then go back and act like we used to. If we don’t want to use drugs we figure out what is going on before we use drugs. If we stop wanting to be clean we will use drugs. If we use drugs we have to get back in recovery.
What we say and what things mean to us makes us do stuff. When we give things to God we don’t have to act on our desires. Going to meetings and hanging out with addicts makes us stop thinking like a drug user. We can look at things in a new way because we are living different. In recovery we try to be sane. Early in recovery we do what people suggest because our thinking is crazy. We need to trust more. We have to accept other people to be in recovery. Then we start calling anything that keeps us from God “crazy”. If we feel bitter about the past we have to make it better. We have to separate fixing ourselves from trying to fix other people. We have to have peace about the past.
Peace can’t come from other people but they can help us have peace. We are a tool of God when we care about other people. We feel like we are connected to people again. Being sane is letting God do things we cannot do. When we run away we take our problems with us. To really escape we have to change.
When we change better things happen to us and we learn new ways to do things. One person said, “We are thankful for this step it means hope, commitment, honesty and freedom. We have to understand this step to understand NA. Knowing God is important in NA. NA makes us free to learn.
If you have problems you can call someone in NA for help. Try not to get discouraged or feeling like you are not doing enough. Ask questions to more then one person. Talk to everyone and learn from everyone. How you understand this step and NA is up to you. You have to own it for it to work.
Every step has helped us understand better and we want it to be great for you. If you get angry or depressed or want to be a rebel, pray, go to a meeting, make list of things you are thankful for, or call someone. Thank you for joining us in recovery. We love you totally with no exceptions.
‘live it like it might be your last’
Only about 3 hours left here in 2011. I’ve been puttering, listening to some music, hanging out with the dogs. I am having people over tomorrow to usher in the New Year and don’t mind having a quiet night at home. My dad always preached that, not to be going out with all the drunks on the road. I hadn’t been listening to much music but two weeks with a dog and no TV my taste for it came back. Its been a real joy listening to some alt country I didn’t know I had, the Bottle Rockets ‘Songs for Sahm’ a really great album, and Larry Norman’s ‘Something New Under the Son’ which is highly singable and I know it well and “Its today that counts, live it like it might be your last”. Been my watchwords tonight.
Made me change my plans from going to bed early to better deal with a big today tomorrow but not if it might be my last. Better to ring in the New Year with the dogs. Drink some Chai with Baileys and listen to Garcia and Grisman. Its made me realize I’m at peace. I wouldn’t call anyone or try to shake something up, there’s not really thing I have left unsaid. Puttering listening to some familiar tunes putting a little buzz on, in PJs and house shoes, fat and grateful. “If you go down to the woods today, you’d better go in disguise, for every bear there ever was…. Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic”.
I have a pork roast thawing on the counter and black eyed peas soaking for my lucky dishes themed dinner party. Cleaned out the garden bed that’s not a raised bed and if its not to windy I will have the fire there. I have a metal container and will get my first hearty guest to help carry the picnic table down to the vegetable garden area. With the bench and my lawn chairs should be fine, I’m not expecting the masses. Unless you come and bring a few friends. (I’ve got enough grub and goodies come on by).
The Amaryllis I got on discount late is blooming right on time. Christmas is overrated. I like a New Years Day gathering because its pretty well over and its the easiest time to show off the Christmas finery at least once. It seems silly to go through the trouble and expense of a tree and such and not have anyone see it. Not that I’m getting all fancy or anything. To much clutter and unfinished projects for that but the tree is still pretty.Monday I’ll break it down perhaps, although with Jeff and Becky coming over the following weekend if its still sucking water may let it go another week.
I do rather like it. I guess plotting the fate of the Christmas Tree isn’t in keeping with living like it might be your last. I do like to think of it with popcorn and cranberries in the back yard for its next phase.
I am seriously considering a run for city council. I read in the paper no one is running yet and its 5 days until intentions need to be made to get on the ballot. I think its only 50 signatures to get on I need to look into it. The newspaper called my Ward “apathetic”. I am offended. I am not apathetic even I haven’t been to a city council meeting or done a lot of lobbying. I considered contacting my current Council member Jason Thornhill about getting a sidewalk on my block. With the treatment center up the street and just generally people walking there’s a lot of foot traffic and speedy cars on a steep hill. But then I learned he wasn’t running for re-election so I thought he wouldn’t really care what I wanted on his way out. But I vote, read the paper every day, talk to my neighbors (I know almost everyone on the block), walk the neighborhoods and keep an eye on things, work in the neighborhood, pick up beer cans, whiskey bottles and such. My neighbors garden, belong to CSAs or shop at the Farmer’s Market like I do. We recycle and say ‘Hi’ to each other. Apathetic my ass.
It would mean being busier. Having other commitments. But I think there’s a stipend and my life is dull enough I could afford an outside project and what an opportunity. Might get a chance to do some good as well. I floated the idea on Facebook and won some offers of help and support. I’ve kind of swore off politics but it was the campaigning, the only telling the parts of the truth that help you, the focus on the political win at the expense of greater questions about Truth and Equity that bugged me. The campaign would be short and if I run unopposed perhaps I can just tell the truth and talk to my neighbors like it is sort of supposed to be. Then it just becomes a question of governance which seems a little less problematic.
My other potential life complicating project is going solar. Kevin has offered me a deal on panels, they are already in my garage and he’s pledged some assistance and a payment plan. Hard to say no even though I don’t use much electricity. It seems like such the right thing to do and very cool. What a 2012 it would be if I could pull those things off, plus a little home improvement a bit more self improvement. Getting closer to the life I would like to live, ‘live it like it might be your last’.
respecting the weekend
Two naps in two days, its been a good weekend for self care. The time change didn’t hurt any either, I could take a 25 hour day. I am focusing more on the extra hour of daylight in the morning rather then the one lopped off my evening. I had napped so was up late and slept in and was still up by seven.
I drank coffee and read the paper. The most interesting article (Jan Weiss I think her name is writes the gardening column in the Trib) was on “frost flowers”. Apparently your supposed to go walking in the woods presunrise on the morning of the first hard frost and a few different wild flowers, one of which is common around here sheds ice crystals through its water transportation system and its a beautiful effect. Maybe next year the first hard frost seems worth acknowledging as a seasonal rite of passage. Has common sense rituals built in, bring in everything that can be harmed by the cold. Now go walking in the woods in the early morning. We’ll see, I may not do it , but I doubt I’ll forget.
I roasted coffee, light roast Sumatran and washed my sheets. While they were washing I double dug half the cold frame and added a wheelbarrow of horse manure. Boy that changed the character of the soil. Most of it had never been worked, it was a chore doing that. Chatted with the neighbor who thought it looked like rain. Local weather said tomorrow so I hung my stuff out in the windy day. Forecasters right again as it turned out.
Took Fido for a walk to the park. There were dogs there but he didn’t really get his play on. First it was Goldilocks syndrome some too big, the little puppy to small. But then some poodles came and he didn’t really even try to engage. He did remind me of Tiger when I saw all the other dogs neatly groomed and he in his DIY haircut. It made me think of my two poems I’ve written about Tiger, my mom’s best dog. The best one I don’t quite remember it all but will come up with something to post because I think I’ve been through all the poetry I have written down on file. This first one I wrote in my creative writing class and was supposed to be a haiku but didn’t reference the season. Tiger wasn’t fourteen but he did end up passing away when he was 14 many years later.
My dog is fourteen
That’s ninety to you and me
No longer he’s dead
So since Fido wasn’t playing we came home and decided to prioritize nap over further productivity. Things will get done when they get done.
Made coffee and stuttered puttering with dinner. I made sauce for my tortellini as follows: I scalded a bunch of tomatoes from my garden, Sarah’s garden, & a free box off the curb near the Farmer’s market all picked green before the hard frost (see the connection) that had ripened on the counter so I could remove the skins. I browned a pound of pasture raised ground round in some olive oil, a big yellow onion, a gypsy pepper and a green bell pepper. I added maybe four tablespoons fresh oregano, and a tsp each of fresh and dry basil and the tomatoes after the meat browned. Added some Bob’s Steak seasoning for the salt contingent and a shot of agave nectar to cut down on the fresh tomato bitterness. Just before it was done I pressed a giant clove of local garlic. With the tortellini and Kevin made garlic bread I did red lettuce salad with shaved carrots, raisins, croutons, & ranch. I also broke out the green tomato chutney which broke the Italian thing and had a Boulevard’s Unfiltered Wheat. Nice.
Then I’m gearing up for some Walking Dead and I’m going to give Hell on Wheels a shot. Kevin got V for Vendetta from 9th St Video but that’ll have to wait another day.
spoiler alert
My fourth day of road tripping in a row and I am holding up strong. This morning rode out to Chesterfield for a conference with a co-worker and really enjoyed the trip. You only get to know someone so well at work when things are busy and not a whole lot of time for life stories and the like. We left at 5:15 am to be in Chesterfield (St Louis suburb by 7:30) so I set an alarm. It had been years since I had and it probably allowed me to get better sleep then having to be more conscious of the time. It was business attire, don’t ask me why so i wore a shirt and tie. Getting talked at for a day ain’t worth wearing a suit for.
The drive out was fun and MFH always puts out a nice spread. It was at some version of the Hilton and they had little breakfast burritos and surprisingly good coffee with fresh melon and pineapple. The morning presentation was on Health Literacy. A bit of yawner there for most of the presentation. Most people read poorly, a sizable chunk not at all. If you put out stuff so people can actually understand it things don’t suck as much. Captain Obvious made those points taught the “teach back method” which is pretty much what it sounds and then the last 10 minutes through out all this great practical stuff faster then you could write it down. Short sentences, no more then 2-3 syllables, simple fonts, helpful pictures and diagrams, lots of white space, good paragraphing, no italics or ALL CAPS and stick to the Need to Do not Nice to Know. Might be other good stuff in my notes.
Someone also taught how to optimize Word’s reading level assessment tool, you do chunks avoiding numbers & headers and the like that can throw it off and never write above a 6th grade level. It was cool stuff and raised it in my consciousness so I shouldn’t complain. Especially not after the lunch we had, rare roast beef with all the fixings and a sweet array of cakes.
The afternoon started with this activity that turned out kind of fun. We were given instructions to a card game similar to spades with no trump, ace high, two of clubs leads. The winner of the first game advances to play other winners. You’re not allowed to talk. We tied at my group but I was feeling pushy and like playing cards so I silently offered for our team to advance.
We lost the first trick and I threw a king on the next only to see my partner throw on the ace. I was still reeling from the fact my partner had no strategy whatsoever as there wasn’t even a rule about following suit when my partner led into my ace of clubs. The other team raked in the trick which led to a non verbal argument that got a little heated. Ultimately we were told to play cards by the facilitator after I had note pad taken away and was pantomiming why it was my trick. They kept the trick but I kept the lead and we took the rest of the tricks but i wasn’t so into it. The trick of course is we had different rules, his said ace low mine said ace high.
That was cool but then it was the return of Captain Obvious as we talked about it for over an hour with people making the same of course points. Then like a weird replay she broke out these cool tools you can use to evaluate a coalition and went over them hyperfast in the last 5 minutes.
Nonetheless not bad as these things go. We went to Trader Joes before heading home. I cooked some dinner and am gearing up to watch Horde. this time i mean it.
relaxation
most people i tell about relaxation aren’t trying to relax, they’re wanting relief from anxiety. i tell them its easier to start something positive then stop something negative. stopping being anxious is hard, better to work on cultivating relaxation. unless someone is attached to their anxiety because it meets some other vital need or they gain great benefit from it most people can get significant to total relief pretty quickly with some pretty basic techniques.
if the techniques are easy and actually pretty well known why don’t people get better on their own? mostly its two main mistakes. one is thinking you can make yourself relax and failing at it, a sort of learned helplessness because the act of making runs counter to relaxation. it is instead a process of allowing, akin to going to sleep. still it is an act of the will and so is known as passive volition.
The second pitfall is what inspired this post. “I tried that relation thing when i was feeling anxious and it didn’t help”. of course it didn’t. when you need it is a terrible time to try to learn it. you practice it when you’re already relaxed, before bed or after meds if you use those or a time when you’re already close. ‘seek the lord when he can be found’.
after that its pretty simple. all relaxation techniques involve slowing and deepening the breathing and relaxing the muscles. i like to breathe in my nose and out my mouth slowly and deeply and pay attention to the feeling of air going by my septum. usually i do progressive relaxation tightening muscle groups one by one starting with the toes and then relaxing. noticing how it feels to feel tense. noticing how it feels to feel relaxed. i learned it in a book when i was 16, been doing it off and on ever since. i credit with saving my sanity and perhaps even my life. best migraine treatment i’ve tried, even the pills that dissolve under your tongue and give you a three day hangover.
for anxiety you add in self talk. think about what you would say to a friend who felt that way. its ok, just breathe, its going to be ok, anxiety is just a feeling and feelings can’t hurt me. and scaling, numbering it between 1 & 10 like the pain scale and working your way down one point at a time. makes it concrete and feel more manageable to name it. especially something so prosaic as a 6. learn to be aware and catch it earlier if possible. learn that you can live with a four. we all get anxious some time. it is a dangerous and uncertain world.
anxiety is like the warning light on your dash board. it tells us something is wrong and we need to be aware and take some action. taking a pill is like putting a piece of black electrical tape over the light. it doesn’t address the issue. if you worry over the bills and drink or take a pill it doesn’t pay the bills.
you have to take some action. setting goals keeps us targeted and allows us to tolerate greater discomfort as we work for better things. visualization can help. i like to imagine tension as a darkness flowing out of me. i like to breathe in flexibility and breathe out tension. sometimes its as simple as working the tension out of my shoulders.
the emotions are not directly controllable so we have to push them indirectly through our thoughts, or our bodies, or our actions. exercise is great as well. it uses the same energy to be anxious that get used up by exercise or hard physical labor.
anger can be managed the same way, stress as well. if you breakdown the symptoms they all look pretty similar.
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