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“Please don’t beat your kids…”

April 21, 2010 2 comments

This poem I wrote when i was doing home based social work with families with child abuse and neglect. It was either laugh or cry and there is a lot of dark humor in that line of work but it was always done with love. Unfortunately everything in this piece is true and is written as advice should you ever have a social worker coming by, a little Emily Post, for a pretty awkward situation.

You ask them twenty questions,

Then give three pieces of advice

If they do one praise them for it,

If not you tell them twice

Do you keep an eye on your kids,

When their running near the street?

Why in the hell do you have a satellite dish,

When your house ain’t got no heat?

Why do you and the kids always fight?

Why can’t you just get along?

Why should your teenager try to behave,

When you tell him everything he does is wrong?

These aren’t easy questions

And I ask them for low pay,

But my first piece of advice is,

‘Tomorrow will be a brighter day’

So please don’t beat your kids

In front of the social worker

Put away your weed tray,

Don’t offer me a beer

Clean up all the dog shit,

And wash your children’s faces

Don’t call your wife a stupid whore,

Because the social worker’s here.

So I listen to the stories

Of strife and horror and pain

Validate the struggle

Reach for words to explain

That the system is defective

Family is breaking down

Their ain’t no village to raise a child

And mentors are hard to be found

Nuclear families can sure melt down

As we struggle through this world alone

But I’ll kiss a bureaucrat’s ass

To get your heat turned on

And you can always call me on the phone,

So please don’t beat your kids,

In front of the social worker.

Categories: poetry, work

Alcohol’s Effect on the Brain

I put together some facts on the topic for a radio interview on KFRU. It went pretty well, the hosts (simon and renee) were engaging and funny, and we talked for about 45 minutes and got out a lot of good information. The four pages of notes made me feel a lot more comfortable and i think it came across in the interview. A couple of things really struck me. One was the idea of neurogenesis. I had always read that you had all the brain cells you would ever have and alcohol kills them. In fact it says that on the info web site but i am going to edit that out because its not true. What really happens is the brain makes more brain cells all the time unless you are chronically drinking large amounts of alcohol. The good news is after a week of abstinence brain cell production booms. The fact that hit on the radio was brain shrinkage. Renee Hulshoff seemed aghast to learn your brain shrinks as you age and she referenced it on another story i caught on the drive back to the salt mines. I think I will do my next education group on the same topic, my as well learn the rap. On a practical note i will be promoting thiamine,. exercise and antidepressants for chronic alcoholics.

(lifted from NIAAA’s alcohol alert)

Equal numbers of men and women reported experiencing blackouts, despite the fact that the men drank significantly more often and more heavily than the women. This outcome suggests that regardless of the amount of alcohol consumption, females—a group infrequently studied in the literature on blackouts—are at greater risk than males for experiencing blackouts.

Using imaging with computerized tomography, two studies compared brain shrinkage, a common indicator of brain damage, in alcoholic men and women and reported that male and female alcoholics both showed significantly greater brain shrinkage than control subjects. Studies also showed that both men and women have similar learning and memory problems as a result of heavy drinking.

Wernicke–Korsakoff Syndrome

Up to 80 percent of alcoholics, however, have a deficiency in thiamine, and some of these people will go on to develop serious brain disorders such as Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (WKS)). WKS is a disease that consists of two separate syndromes, a short–lived and severe condition called Wernicke’s encephalopathy and a long–lasting and debilitating condition known as Korsakoff’s psychosis.

The symptoms of Wernicke’s encephalopathy include mental confusion, paralysis of the nerves that move the eyes (i.e., oculomotor disturbances), and difficulty with muscle coordination. For example, patients with Wernicke’s encephalopathy may be too confused to find their way out of a room or may not even be able to walk. Many Wernicke’s encephalopathy patients, however, do not exhibit all three of these signs and symptoms, and clinicians working with alcoholics must be aware that this disorder may be present even if the patient shows only one or two of them. In fact, studies performed after death indicate that many cases of thiamine deficiency–related encephalopathy may not be diagnosed in life because not all the “classic” signs and symptoms were present or recognized.

Approximately 80 to 90 percent of alcoholics with Wernicke’s encephalopathy also develop Korsakoff’s psychosis, a chronic and debilitating syndrome characterized by persistent learning and memory problems. Patients with Korsakoff’s psychosis are forgetful and quickly frustrated and have difficulty with walking and coordination). Although these patients have problems remembering old information (i.e., retrograde amnesia), it is their difficulty in “laying down” new information (i.e., anterograde amnesia) that is the most striking. For example, these patients can discuss in detail an event in their lives, but an hour later might not remember ever having the conversation

Prolonged liver dysfunction, such as liver cirrhosis resulting from excessive alcohol consumption, can harm the brain, leading to a serious and potentially fatal brain disorder known as hepatic encephalopathy ammonia and manganese, have a role in the development of hepatic encephalopathy. Alcohol–damaged liver cells allow excess amounts of these harmful byproducts to enter the brain, thus harming brain cells.

Hepatic encephalopathy can cause changes in sleep patterns, mood, and personality; psychiatric conditions such as anxiety and depression; severe cognitive effects such as shortened attention span; and problems with coordination such as a flapping or shaking of the hands (called asterixis). In the most serious cases, patients may slip into a coma (i.e., hepatic coma), which can be fatal.

More facts from: www.bloodalcohol.info

Alcohol can affect several parts of the brain, but in general, alcohol contracts brain tissue and depresses the central nervous system. Excessive drinking over a prolonged period of time can cause serious problems with cognition and memory.

When alcohol reaches the brain, it interferes with communication between nerve cells, by interacting with the receptors on some cells. The alcohol suppresses excitatory nerve pathway activity and increases inhibitory nerve pathway activity. Among other actions, alcohol enhances the effects of the inhibitory neurotransmitter GABA. Enhancing an inhibitor has the effect of making a person sluggish. Also, alcohol weakens the excitatory neurotransmitter glutamine, which enhances the sluggishness even farther.

The cerebral cortex processes information from your senses, processes thoughts, initiates the majority of voluntary muscle movements and has some control over lower-order brain centers. In the cerebral cortex, alcohol can:

  • Affect thought processes, leading to potentially poor judgement.
  • Depresses inhibition, leading one to become more talkative and more confident.
  • Blunts the senses and increases the threshold for pain.

The limbic system, which consists of the hippocampus and septal area of the brain, controls memory and emotions. The affect of alcohol on this sytem is that the person may experience some memory loss and may have exaggerated states of emotion.

The cerebellum coordinates muscle movement. The cerebral cortex initiates the muscular movement by sending a signal through the medulla and spinal cord to the muscles. As the nerve signals pass through the medulla, they are influenced by nerve impulses from the cerebellum, which controls the fine movements, including those necessary for balance. When alcohol affects the cerebellum, muscle movements become uncoordinated.

The hypothalamus controls and influences many automatic functions of the brain (through the medulla), and coordinates hormonal release (through the pituitary gland). Alcohol depresses nerve centers in the hypothalamus that control sexual arousal and performance. With increased alcohol consumption, sexual desire increases – but sexual performance declines.

By inhibiting the pituitary secretion of anti-diuretic hormone (ADH), alcohol also affects urine excretion. ADH acts on the kidney to reabsorb water, so when it is inhibitted, ADH levels drop, the kidneys don’t reabsorb as much water and the kidneys produce more urine.

The medulla (brain stem) influences or controls body functions that occur automatically, such as your heart rate, temperature and breathing. When alcohol affects the medulla, a person will start to feel sleepy. Increased consumption can lead to unconscious. Needless to say, alcohol’s effect on the medulla can be fatal if it is excessive.

More stuff:

Detoxified alcoholics often have visuospatial and visuoperceptual deficits, characterized by difficulties completing tasks such as putting pieces of a puzzle together or map reading. A new study has found that, even with prolonged sobriety, alcoholics show deficits in visuoperception and frontal executive functioning of the brain.

Furthermore, alcoholics utilize a more complex higher-order cognitive system, frontal executive functions, to perform the same tasks as individuals without a history of alcoholism. Results are published in the November 2004 issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research.

The UNC findings, from research at UNC’s Bowles Center for Alcohol Studies, were based on an animal model of chronic alcohol dependence, in which adult rats were given alcohol over four days in amounts that produced alcohol dependency. The study is in the Nov. 3 issue of the Journal of Neuroscience.

In 2002, Dr. Fulton T. Crews, Bowles Center director, and Bowles Center research associate Dr. Kim Nixon were the first to report that alcohol, during intoxication, has a detrimental effect on the formation of new neurons in the adult rat hippocampus. This brain region is important for learning and memory – in animals and humans – and is linked to psychiatric disorders, particularly depression.

“When used in excess, alcohol damages brain structure and function. Alcoholics have impairments in the ability to reason, plan or remember,” said Crews, also professor of pharmacology and psychiatry in UNC’s School of Medicine. “A variety of psychological tests show alcoholics have a difficulty in ability to understand negative consequences.”

In the new study, senior co-author Crews and co-author Nixon found inhibition of neurogenesis, or brain cell development, during alcohol dependency, followed by a pronounced increase in new neuron formation in the hippocampus within four-to-five weeks of abstinence. This included a twofold burst in brain cell proliferation at day seven of abstinence.

“And when they stop drinking, you can show in a period of weeks, months, years, the brain grows back, there’s a return of metabolic activity, and cognitive tests show a return of function,” Crews said.

“Pharmacological agents such as antidepressants and behaviors such as running, increased physical activity and learning experiences apparently help regulate the process of neurogenesis,” he added. “Our research suggests they could be considered in the treatment of chronic alcohol dependency.”

In their report, Nixon and Crews also said that their findings for the first time provide a neuronal regeneration mechanism that may underlie the return of normal cognitive function and brain volume associated with recovery from addiction during abstinence from alcohol.

“This is really the first biological measure of a major change in neuronal structure consistent with changes that are known to occur when individuals are able to stop drinking,” said Crews.

Number of Brain Cells Not Fixed

For decades, neuroscientists believed the number of new cells, or neurons, in the adult brain was fixed early in life. Adaptive processes such as learning, memory and mood were thought tied to changes in synapses, connections between neurons.

More recently, studies have shown that the adult human brain is capable of producing new brain cells throughout life, a neurogenesis resulting in formation of hundreds of thousands of new neurons each month. “Prior to our work, everyone merely assumed that glia, the supporting cells of the brain, regenerated or that existing brain cells altered their connections,” said Nixon. “We have shown a burst in new cell birth that may be part of the brain’s recovery after the cessation of alcohol.”

Chronic alcoholism, a disease affecting more than 8 percent of the adult U.S. population, or more than 17 million Americans, produces cognitive impairments and decreased brain volumes, both of which are partially reversed during abstinence.

Categories: the mind, work

depression notes

notes for my education group on depression for outpatient substance abuse treatment program. info pulled from WebMD who pulled heavily from the DSM. First off is criteria:

  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • fatigue and decreased energy
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • irritability, restlessness
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • overeating or appetite loss
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

    major depression

    To distinguish major depression, one of the symptoms must be either depressed mood or loss of interest. Also, the symptoms must be present for most of the day every day or nearly every day for at least two weeks.

    Major depression affects about 6.7% of the U.S. population over age 18, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Overall, between 20% and 25% may suffer an episode of major depression at some point during their lifetime.

    Dysthymia

    According to the National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 10.9 million Americans aged 18 and older are affected by dysthymia. While not disabling like major depression, dysthymia can keep you from feeling your best and functioning optimally. Dysthymia can begin in childhood or in adulthood and seems to be more common in women.

    ATYPICAL DEPRESSION  is probably rather common. Some doctors believe that it is underdiagnosed. Researchers are considering whether or not atypical depression might be a type of dysthymia — a low-level depression that has lingered for at least two years. Researchers are also investigating the idea that atypical depression may be a milder form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia. People with cyclothymia typically have less extreme switches in mood.

    What are the symptoms of atypical depression?

    The main characteristic of atypical depression that distinguishes it from major depression is mood reactivity. In other words, the person with atypical depression will see his or her mood improve if something positive happens. In major, or melancholic, depression, positive changes will not bring on a change in mood. In addition, diagnostic criteria call for at least two of the following symptoms to accompany the mood reactivity:

    • sleeping too much (hypersomnia)
    • eating too much (hyperphagia), resulting in weight gain
    • having a more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships
    • having a feeling of being weighed down, paralyzed, or “leaden”

    Not to leave anyone without solutions i am a huge proponent of reframing for depression. I have bi-polar disorder and reframing allows me to function if not normally, at least largely functioning. It is the idea that perspective makes the picture and you can change how situations impact you by changing how you think about them. For me the what would normally be a depressed state I reframe as flat. It means i don’t have a lot of energy or motivation but I have removed the negative thinking that typically runs with a down mood. So its no longer depression, just a flat time. I cut myself a little slack on not getting things done, meet my major commitments and what could be a disabling condition gets reframed into at most an annoyance at best just something that makes me me. Add to that sunlight and exercise. Its simple but not easy. Make hay when the sun is shining, don’t forget its going to get better, just hang in there.

    Categories: feelings, health, work

    Cadre Convening

    March 6, 2010 1 comment

    Thursday and Friday I attended a convening of the Missouri Cadre for Co-Occurring Excellence. The Cadre is a group of clinicians and active consumers who meet quarterly to plan and strategize on improving services for individuals who have co-occurring mental health and substance abuse problems. It arose out of funding from the Missouri Foundation for Health hiring substance abuse agencies to do mental health work and mental health agencies to do substance abuse work with the idea that most individuals have both problems and would be better served if their services were delivered that way.

    I have been attending for a couple of years, do a little committee work, and now serve on the Interim Committee, a quasi-democratic body charged with navigating us from a project of a foundation to an independent participatory democratic organization. Mostly its educational sessions by the charming duo of Dr Cline and Dr Minkoff, experts in the field of co-occurring disorders.

    This convening was held at a Marriott in West St Louis. I was asked to bring along a consumer from Jeff City and agreed to do so. He was a real charming fellow and a bit manic which can be contagious and we had some real animated conversation driving out. It was nice to see someone else managing their disorder in a healthy and independent way and it made the drive fly by.

    I had left at the ass crack of dawn, well quarter after, i was running late but was still a little late to the meeting. After wards I was talking to our fearless leader Craig who also sits on the credentialing board and I found out I likely have enough training hours to get my co-occurring specialist certification. This will allow me to bill for doing co-occurring counseling which is mostly what I do but i have to bill it as substance abuse counseling because that’s all the licensure I currently have. That was probably the most helpful thing I learned.

    The conference programming was a lot of review and I can’t say I learned a whole hell of a lot. There was some stuff on stage matched groups that was interesting. There was also a role play of a group and the role players were really funny. There was also a lay out for a presentation on anxiety that looks helpful and replicable. Mostly it just validated my own approach to the work, which is good.

    The evening of the conference I went and saw an old friend. It was really fun hanging out and we went to The Himalaya and I had my first Nepalese food. It was pretty good and reminded me of Indian cuisine. I also hardly got any sleep. We also watched 500 Days of Summer which was better than I expected.

    At the previous conference we had focused on increasing consumer involvement so amongst other things we had a presentation by Tim Hamilton the founder of DRA (Dual Recovery Anonymous) and his wife Betty. Betty had asked for a show of hands of who has a dual disorder and I had outed myself as a lunatic with some drug history for the first time. I frequently do when talking to clients but rarely do when talking to other professionals. Its not relevant or helpful so i have known all these folks for years and then let them know i was on the other side of the fence.

    So driving home from the last convening I had thought about the implications of that and it came to me that i should share this poem with them. It talks about being an agent of change and we fancy ourselves change agents in this movement of ours. I kept putting off asking for a little time on the agenda until the last piece. Craig was facilitating updates and it was dragging a bit. He was standing by me so i asked for the last 3 minutes for a closing. I read the following poem:

    Becoming Whole

    You see the whole absurdity in the human condition

    And strive to see the beauty in the life that your living

    You’ve overcome the emptiness

    And learned the art of giving

    And you have broken the chains

    That once held you down

    You have learned to rearrange

    You are an agent of change

    You think and you learn and you are

    Destined for the stars

    You love every part of life

    You see the hope and the magic

    You smile through the darkest nights

    And rise to face the tragic

    And you have opened your mind

    And reached for the prize

    You have learned to feel and grow

    You can let people know

    Change has happened before

    It will happen again

    The least shall rise up

    The great shall pay for their sins

    And you stand upon the rooftop

    And shout out your agnostocism

    Yet you love your neighbor as yourself

    And live out your cathechism

    And you have crossed the great valley

    And are on the other side

    You have faced the great fear

    You have crossed the divide

    You have learned to overcome

    Light shines from your soul

    You are mighty and strong and you are

    Becoming Whole

    It was really well received. I was nervous and put a lot of emotion into it. My proudest part was in my intro I mentioned that I had bi-polar disorder and that one of the gifts of that was poetry. I think I was definitely the only one to refer to bi-polar as a gift. So people liked it. I have pledged to post it on the Missouri Institute of Mental Health co-occurring list serve and Betty Hamilton talked to me about doing a CD for DRA, so maybe something will come of it. I am a little nervous with my increasingly high profile. There are so many apparent contradictions in my life that it just seems like someday they will have to come back and bite me in the ass. Not everyone believes “everything is true, everything is permissible”.

    On the drive home i was very jazzed up from the energy and positive feedback. My co-pilot also was inspired and we had a great time making plans. We are going to bring Bruce C. in for a DRA speaker and try to reinvigorate DRA in Jeff City. Good things are coming and it feels good to be part of a movement again.

    Categories: feelings, poetry, work

    sick again

    February 12, 2010 Leave a comment

    I have been sick twice this winter. Its probably been a decade since that happened. How often I get sick is directly proportional to how much stress i allow in my life. When i was working 40-50 hours and going to college full time i would get sick all the time, i remember going down with the flue for two weeks. Gradually i learned to take better care of myself, workload wise. It is easy for me to lose myself in helping others. After my mental break down i became more cognizant of taking care of myself. When i would get overcomitted i would flee to the woods or the desert or the road to rest and heal. I went four years without getting sick when i worked jobs with moderate hours and lower stress. I moved to columbia and my second winter i knew i was going to get sick. and i did. this year i was positively looking forward to it. a chance to sit down, without the expectation of doing anything. so this year i went down twice. too much of a good thing. I am trying to not run away from stress but carve out reasonable limits in my existing environment. I think i have a long way to go but i’ll get there.

    Categories: feelings, health, work

    yellow snow

    February 5, 2010 Leave a comment

    Its been an eventful midwinter at leslie lane. Oni the piss hound had an active period, hitting the futon and my bed (twice). The second time i said she has to go. Sure she’s family but she’s been trouble since she came in the door. The first time i said she had to go too but she’s crafty. She always pisses on like a friday night knowing the humane society only takes dogs on thursdays and fridays and then she tries to be cute until i give her one more chance. The last bed shot i had had it and was not going to back down. Then Harry went to the cool no kill shelter, who of course won’t let a piss hound of no small renown anywhere near their no kill place. (no kill shelters aren’t more moral for the most part they just export their kills elsewhere) They said have you checked with your vet, maybe its a medical problem. Now that is what i said the first damn time it happened but now its a brilliant idea and dad had already made the appointment. So she goes and gets some antibiotics in case its a UTI and some drops i can’t find any info about because of all the noise from people selling the drops that are supposed to “tighten her up” according to dad. we shall see. all in all, i’m calling it a reprieve from the governor.

    Oni led to some interesting conversation in my batterer intervention group. Somehow i mentioned i was going to make dad take the dog to the pound for furniture pissing (everytime i type “the pound” oni moans and looks at me pitifully) a batterer, a crusty old biker type called me out on being a dick for sending a family member to her death. I couldn’t protest too much as i was thinking about this guy in my group years ago who killed the family dog bouncing it off the wall. Once the situation resolves itself i’ll probably talk about dog killing.

    Changing the subject the snow has been incredible. Its been coming down hard all day but it was warm air and has been melting.  A foot has fallen and we don’t even have an inch. I had to drive an hour to a meeting and it was slippery this morning in places but still gorgeous.

    After work i took The Onerous One out for a walk in the snow. She wasn’t enjoying it so i went back for The Turtle Dog. Dad says hamburger helper’s ready so on to dinner.

    Categories: dogs, work

    work, work, work, work

    My job has been in transition for some period of time. For the last several weeks I have been a grant writer, mostly. Its kind of fun, a different set of challenges. A lot less emotionally draining than trying to save the world by helping struggling individuals get ahead and keep the wolves at bay. I like to compare it to writing a paper only instead of getting an “A” you get a million dollars. A “B+” pays zilch.

    It makes for a little bit of pressure, but engaging as well. I have been writing the same proposal over and over, off and on, for almost three years. It makes my head spin when I think of sentences that i have pondered, retooled, or left alone for i don’t know, maybe a hundred times. But its good, it gets better each time and it is loads better than the last version.

    The program i am trying to get funded is Assertive Community Treatment, which is a real neat model for treatment and pretty cutting edge for a substance abuse agency. As far as I know we had the only one, had being the operative word, and will have again if my grant goes through. A multi-disciplinary team with a lot of creativity and clinical freedom and a small case load to really expand the world of the possible for what you can do for folks.

    The grant we are going for is a Recovery Oriented System of Care grant or  ROSC. Its really designed for interagency collaboration and its a bit of a stretch to just fund our program but i try to make the case. We were close last time and its a lot better, competitive though. But thinking about the idea of a ROSC has been cool though, has us getting more client and community focused.

    Categories: work

    consternation, bother and loss of a sense of self

    I wrote this paragraph on halloween and have been sitting on it ever since. publish or delete? you see what i picked.

    I am in the midst of a long and annoying semi-functional funk and am starting to feel it is endless. It began with trying to write some more on the ‘about’ page. I thought i might begin with talking about what i do, so far as work. not an easy question. I wrote i am in transition from supervising a program providing integrated mental health and substance abuse treatment to individuals with multiple problems in a community based setting to providing community based substance abuse counseling informed by mental health treatment. That subtle difference is a huge pain in my ass and i can’t help but be a little broke up and sad about it.

    Categories: feelings, Uncategorized, work

    Work

    November 26, 2009 2 comments

    Rarely do i blog about work. Pretty much everything i’ve done has had confidentiality implications. Currently i supervise a small program doing integrated mental health and substance abuse treatment. For the last 4 months or so part of my job is to do a 2 hour group on Co-Occurring Disorders at our inpatient substance abuse treatment center. It makes for a unique set of challenges. A fair percentage doesn’t have any interest in issues around mental illness, in fact a fair percentage doesn’t have much interest in doing anything they are just mandated to be there. But some are. The figures say 60% of folks with a substance abuse disorder have a co-occurring mental illness. Sometimes that seems true in group, a lot of time its higher. The group was dumped on to my already too full work load so i have no time to prep. Twice i’ve organized lessons and tried to present a coherent presentation and each time i bored people shitless. So what i routinely do now is sort of a question and answer format. It makes it intellectually interesting to me because its sort of a stump the expert kind of thing. I like putting myself out there and 99% of the questions i have some type of valid answer for. The problem for the format is its hard to generate member to member interactions. Everything is flowing through me and often only a handful of folks are interested in any given question. Early on there was a lot of talk about how boring my group was. It seemed to take on a life of its own. My response was to take it head on. Put it out there. Mention that we will be discussing a lot of complex ideas and some times it can get dry and boring being 2 hours and right after lunch. Mostly i just try to be high energy. Two weeks ago i noticed if i was standing up it was more interesting so i just stood through the whole group. Mostly i just try to reach the ones that are interested and leave the rest to their own devices. In my first group i cracked on someone for sleeping in group. It turned out to be the guy with narcolepsy. It hadn’t been 15 minutes since i had talked about being understanding of people with disability. That has been my excuse to let ’em sleep. The treatment center operates under the philosophy of therapeutic community. There are a lot of rules that are bizarre to me like no hats and no swearing. I don’t like to enforce stuff i don’t much agree with so i’ve gotten around it by mentioning that i have a lot of complex information i am wrestling with and i expect the group to enforce its own discipline. Someday i am going to get cracked on for letting people swear and sleep and what have you. I am supposed to “pull them up”. i haven’t yet pulled anyone up. i guess theres some evidence behind this methodology but i am not buying into it yet. Lately i’ve been on a roll. A lot of crazy people in treatment, hungry for straight answers and validation. Its funny when i get one whose all defensive and talks about getting diagnosed but he feels its just the drugs and he’s going to go to AA and fuck the psychiatrist he’s not taking any meds and i say “right on brother”. You can do that.

    Categories: work

    life in hyper-drive

    there is a dynamic balance between experiencing with full presence and maintaining a sense of history, a basic requirement to live through time. i feel tremendously out of balance. three months without blogging. tragic. i hadn’t missed a month than i missed 2. not good. i was starting to feel like i was in the early stages of losing it but i am feeling like i am getting a handle on it again. it made me realize, or possibly remember, a couple of things. one, my life is a narrative and i don’t really want my story to go that way. time to exert a little editorial discretion and send this story in a more pleasant direction. secondly i realized it wouldn’t be so bad if i did lose it. its not like having it is all that pleasant of late anyway and it would certainly be a new direction. i feel like my life is rushing by with this emotionally engaging frenetic burst all day and then dropping into some weird shell shocked fugue after work. i don’t know what i would do if i had to try to float a personal life. it feels good writing this. i’m gonna try to remember that and get back on putting some stuff out there. theres been a lot going on. i’m doing a group i’m excited about, fostering a dual recovery group, writing a new grant, pushing my people, had folks relapse, go on meds, and get into treatment after years of doing the opposite. its  so crazy. i had a homeless one get a home today though, thats always a good day, but getting fewer. gotta remember every time a homeless person gets housed an angel gets their wings.

    Categories: feelings, work