Archive
Checking In
Its been more then a year since I wrote a new post. I’m up for re-election and should be campaigning hard. I wasn’t feeling it today and skipped the NAACP dinner and door knocking. Through my dog s birthday brunch. He’s five now. Grayson brought me some homemade maple syrup so I made pancakes. And bacon. And steel cut oats and apple slices so if people didn’t eat healthy it was their choice. Read some poems. I need to post my two new ones I wrote Christmas before last. I miss blogging and introspection. I miss downtime. I miss not being tired all the time.
Stress Management
I am down to an annual post, it appears, to who knows. I continue to keep the blog hidden while I pursue politics, or are politics pursuing me. I came to the blog looking to see if I had written on stress management. I found some stuff on vicarious trauma versus burnout but not quite usable for general staff meeting. Certainly stress management is my life now, finding a way to cope with all of the competing pressures of a hard job with a lot of responsibility, trying to do right for my fair city, keeping the lawn mowed and the dog walked and all of that. I continue to be a more disciplined harder working version of myself. I also allow myself a little breathing space. Today not much work got done, though I did show up and respond to what is in front of me. I did work on a handout for my training on stress management this week. Here is what I got:
Stress Management:
Stress really refers to Strain, the tendency to warp under pressure. Management implies an ongoing process of adjustments versus something that can be eliminated.
Stress is a chronic activation of our fight/flight/freeze response. It is biologically akin to anxiety (fear) and anger. High levels of coritisol are linked to an array of negative health outcomes. Stress Management involves identifying and reducing stressors or adjusting our thoughts, beliefs and actions to better manage the stressors in our life.
4 “A”s of Change
- Awareness
- Assessment
- Action
- Accountability
A positive overall orientation to life is protective against stress. It is called a Philosophy of Life. We have the ability to identify and alter our beliefs in ways that have large impacts on our life outcomes. The story we tell ourselves, who we are and why we are here, provide meaning and an overall organization to our lives.
Our natural state of being is one of relaxation. Noticing we have allowed tension to accumulate allows us to deal with it. Promoting an attitude of relaxation is easier then eliminating stress. We cannot make ourselves stop being tense but we very much can allow ourselves to relax. This process of allowing is called Passive Volition.
the more you do the harder it is to sleep
Its been a weird week here at Leslie Lane. City Council has slowed a bit and our meetings have been getting out at 9ish. There were some appointments to boards and commissions and I had done a bit of politicking and wrestling with all of the issues with their various players and demands on information processing and decision making it leaves me more then a bit spun when I get home. The last 2 meetings I haven’t had dinner before because of a big lunch and rushed for time so I’ve stopped at Taco Bell on the way home. Not a good habit to get into, I’m sure the soda is not helping the can’t sleep after Council phenomenon.
So didn’t really sleep Monday night, made it through a bustling and involved Tuesday. My Co-Occurring Disorders groups have gone up to another level. Its close to the only clinical thing I do and the clients treasure it because its the only time we get to interact and I have been a tour de’ force of random facts, inspiration, and some critical knowledge on getting better. Its been very engaging and very fun and was again this week.
I only had a 1/2 hour after work before my next thing but came home and Flow had made a nice dinner, ham and mashed potatoes with a pineapple/cranberry compote. Quite delish and very much appreciated. I ate that and rode my bike (I am still an every day bicycle commuter though I am close to getting Dad’s truck out of probate) over to Lange Middle School and met with a homeowner’s association. I was only marginally sweaty for day 25 of 90 plus temps (the record is 31 and we are going to crush it in the worst drought of my lifetime). I introduced myself and fielded questions. It was an older crowd and I am sideways to most of them with our job creation scheme that involves a blight decree of their really nice neighborhood and my unabashed support of changing the trash to a roll cart system. But I explained my rationale and listened and we had a very nice dialogue and I remembered why I got into politics and it was fun.
I got home and went upstairs laid down to read a comic book (early 80s MoonKnight) read a page and passed out. I overslept the next morning which was today. I had an all staff training on suicide prevention which went very well. This is how the universe watches out for me. I have done these the last few years and have asked around on a fresh angle with no response. I come home from Taco Bell on Monday and there is a talking head on TV talking in depth about suicide prevention. Flow has a little job teaching suicide prevention classes and had all the materials. I bummed her QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer) booklet and taught out of that and our newest policies. I also told the story of the Golden Gate Bridge I had heard just as I walked in the door. 1,400 people have jumped off the bridge with 14 survivors. A pretty lethal attempt and survivor interviews gives us a little insight into “completers” a group we know little about. 13 changed their mind about dying immediately after jumping. It demonstrates the ambivalence of suicidal folk. I didn’t share the 14th jumped again.
After work today I was pretty cashed. Had leftovers, just as yummy and got caught up on my email correspondence, most of it. I may answer one of my troubling emails on that committee thing. I like time stamps of 2:22 am and such and I’m still a little wired. Putting it down on virtual paper helps me get rid of the stuff and I might get some more winks tonight. My laptop gave me the low battery warning and it does not fuck around. It will shut down and I will lose my shit. It feels good to swear, between work and politics I self censor constantly.
So went to bed early and woke from a complex dream. I had gotten a new apartment and married the co-worker I have a crush on but she was on vacation for a coupe of weeks and sometimes morphed into my ex-wife. I was trying to settle in, make plans with friends but managed to get nothing done beyond blow someone off. She got home and I had forgotten about it had other plans I’d blown and was generally befuddled. We lay down in bed, had our first chaste kiss and then I needed to get something out of another room which was a long slow muddle in the dark and down some stairs I had forgot about. I had to be quiet as another co-worker lived next door and he has mentioned “sleep is hard to come by” for him. I ran into a female friend and we were making out until I remembered I had a wife in bed in the other room which is when I woke up. Weird huh? Well I’m getting low battery warnings better put this up. Good night faithful reader.
dill pickles
Had a request for my dill pickles recipe. From a real foody like Jeff I am flattered. I’ve poured over old blog entries but only documented my variations on bread and butter pickles. Probably won’t do pickles this year with Sarah in St Louis and myself busy. I hope to primer the kitchen and dining room today instead. I also haven’t blogged for a while. Plan to get more on that a bit and still hope to bring the old blog public again. I found a bunch of links to spam sites on an old post so I need to go over the thing from bottom to top and put on a good edit and re-read and make sure there is nothing to damaging there. Next month. Things have at least settled down a bit where I get some down time. I’m getting lazy and responsive, frittering away any time I don’t have constant demands.
For dills though do as follows: Bring to a boil 8 1/2 cups water, 2 1/4 cup white vinegar, 1/2 cup canning salt. Put the equivalent of 7 quarts of jars mouth down in an inch of water and bring to a boil. Boil your your lids and rings in a separate pan. Boil all of them for at least 5 minutes. Stuff your jaw with cut up cukes, 2-4 garlic bulbs depending on size and a sprig of fresh dill (cosmos leaves work as an adequate substitute) and cherry leaves, asian basil and grape leaves are acceptable variants. Garlic and dill is the old school way. Stuff as much cukes as you can to make your brine last. Pour the brine up to 1/2 an inch of the lid. Put on hot lids and rings and sit on the counter top down for a day. Let them sit a month before eating to get up to flavor perhaps 6 weeks. Crisp pickles come in two ways. Pickle them the day or the day after they are picked or you can lime them. If you buy a pack of pickling lime directions are on the container. It changes the flavor a bit but even elderly cukes come out nice and crisp. Fresh is best.
Decoration Day Weekend
Hello Faithful Reader,
I was just looking around for how to make the blog public again. With a few tweaks I think I can live with it being public. I was just looking and haven’t posted in almost a month. Maybe with knowing I have more readers again I will feel like posting. I feel like, and someone reaffirmed this is a time in my life worth documenting. Its Saturday night a little passed bedtime but I napped hard so I expect I will be staying up later then usual. It was good to sleep, certainly the most solid one in 2012. My thoughts have been rushing since January with the frenetic activity and deep thought of newly minted political life. Overall I am pleased.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep this week. Monday Council ran late with two hours of public comment on this controversial tax incentive/job creation thing we are doing. I didn’t get home until 11:30 and I was pretty wired. Probably should just start taking people on offers of beers afterwards as its pretty stimulating. I work the next morning though and don’t want to give up an evening to get a late night on Tuesday as I had thought I would do during the campaign.
Its hot on the first weekend of Summer. Mid 90s. Still mowed the front yard. We put in a scoop of cedar mulch, mostly Flow. Got the roses and mailbox beds and the beds along the privacy fence in back and a path to the compost and the dirt outside the back porch. Flow mulched the strawberries and garden beds with straw. I cultivated a little but have been hard pressed to do more then mow. I weed whipped the back and skipped mowing its been hot and dry. I mowed the front lawn, mostly because it was longer then the neighbors.
The girls in the basement apartment moved out and the owners have been scurrying around on projects. New neighbors. I thought I was going to start a community organizing project but there is a hitch with my intern starting and I want to involve someone else. I told a neighbor I would start in May but I’m not quite there.
Had about 800 pages of reading for the last Council meeting. All the usual stuff plus trend statements and data for Strategic Planning. We did small groups with Council and department heads and the like. Rotated groups and topics, it was interesting. Got to know a lot of folks. Been on a name learning tear.
Everything has a steep learning curve with all the background information and the level of detail to make informed decisions. I have been sideways with my base early on which makes for a bit of consternation. I also get a lot of positive feedback and bounce ideas off whoever which is fun. I’m going to start doing my prep reading in the dog park and getting feedback from the folks out there.
Didn’t do much with the nap and all. I went to the market and got a lot of stuff since I am helping Harry move next week and won’t be able to go. Got a nice deal on big fresh white onions, a giant purple cauliflower, asparagus (I was surprised at that), a couple of nice looking lettuces (everyone agreed this is pretty much the last week for that with the high temps), kohlrabi, some yellow turnips, kale, carrots, sweet cherries, a couple of big beautiful hybrid tomatoes (seconds even), and some trout for my luncheon tomorrow.
Made some fried cabbage for supper. Cabbage I got at the market last week, an onion with some of the green tops, some of the turnip greens, garlic scapes (I cut those earlier in the week), lightly toasted sesame seeds, fried in olive oil with a lot of crushed red pepper and a splash of Worcestershire. It was good and Flow made crab cakes and naan. We were pretty grateful because we have been living large.
I called in sick yesterday. Hadn’t slept right all week, a little free floating anxiety when I am supposed to be slumbering and stayed in bed late and felt sluggish and dumb. Couldn’t nap and slept poorly last night as well but I feel like my 2+ hour nap today was a break through. There’s been so much change with City Council, the new position at work which is learning a bunch of new programs and trying to wrap my head around a few defuse projects, plus adjusting to being an everyday bicycle commuter.
I have advanced the probate situation and have a meeting on Thursday to sign affidavits and go forward so it will be nice to get the truck on the road again. Going on a float trip on Monday. Trevor, a friend of his, Jesse and myself going South out of Coopers Landing to Millersburg I think. I’ve never done passed Coopers and am looking forward to seeing something new.
Jeff and Vicki, Trevor and Lisa and Harry are coming over for trout. Reminds me I need to look up how to roast garlic. I am going to baste the trout in a yogurt sauce with roasted garlic, lemon, parsley, and chervil, maybe a little mace. I am also going to do the cauliflower in a foil pack with olive oil, turmeric and nutritional yeast. Might grill the asparagus as well. I think I will put one of the trout packs in the freezer. I got 3 packs (6 fish) and Brian isn’t coming and Lisa is a vegetarian so probably can get by with 2 like the trout lady suggested.
Quick Update
I haven’t blogged in a while. I was going to work on the Second step of NA translated into simple concrete English but when I tried to make the link it deleted my post again. I don’t have that much time and will set that aside, perhaps tomorrow.
Overall things are a little slower then the campaign. I have my busy days of constant meetings, events, reading and responding to emails, and calls that go from rise to bed but yesterday I got out in the garden and played some Spades with Flow and her friend Brian after dinner. Tonight I will garden again and make some Spanish Rice. I have some local grass fed ground round and some saved from the dumpster (go Flow!) tomatoes and I will add some chard or kale or whatever it is I got at the market on Saturday.
Its all engaging and a lot of it is fun and I am learning a lot. I am getting better about just surfing with the business. Actually instead of gardening I will take Fido for a walk to the dog park. He has been a good and patient dog but he slept with Flow last night. If I don’t watch it he’s going to be her dog. She makes him cuddle which he doesn’t like but she’s home all the time and I am hardly home at all.
I have abandoned the every other day walk. Its just not feasible but I have to find more time for him. I at least got his medicine ordered. Living carless has been a new challenge. It segways nicely into the Wellness grant I am working on at work. It also makes sure I get my exercise and time to think whether I want to put it in my schedule or not.
I have decided to bring the blog back public again in August, for my birthday. I will invite some more folks to join. I don’t think I am bringing back Facebook. I don’t miss it and I don’t have time for it. I would end up posting and not reading but mostly its the time thing. It also allows me not to look at stuff that is just there.
I have been going to bed early and even got up early today. Did some gardening, I transplanted some lillies to make room for the chocolate mint I got at the market. Yesterday I put in four new strawberry plants. The strawberries have done well and I had a nice bowl of them yesterday. Oh so yummy. In place of my evening bowl of cereal. That was no sacrifice. I’ve had some giant Sam’s Club strawberries at work, wooden by comparison.
I also pulled the grass around the flower beds and shook its seed on the barespots. Better to put it to use then let it fall and become a problem for tomorrow. All of the flowerbeds have looked great. The spring flowers are largely done already with the early spring though there are still some irises coming online. The coreopsis is getting ready to go. Everything is accelerated.
Flow has been concerned she put the tomatoes in to early and they will be stunted by the chill. I got another one to put in and am waiting. The ground is supposed to be warm enough to sit on. We made plans with Brian to get a truck load of mulch. My clay is so hard to work with. We are pulling compost out of the bing one as Flow used the other and the horse manure. I used the bucket of it Ann gave me for Fido’s birthday. It was nicely broken down and I think the strawberries will like it.
Flow broke the washer washing rugs with loose junk on the bottoms. She had it repaired but couldn’t do laundry. I have enough clothes where its been better then 3 weeks and I still look respectable. Had to wear dirty pants though.
I’ve been dating that has been new for me. I kind of like it. Think I will stick with that for while as my life shakes out. Don’t have the time or energy for much else. Going out to a nice place in Fulton on Saturday. Also have to get the suit altered, which is a good thing. I have a wedding in Baltimore in Mid-May to go to. The place where I bought my suit was investigated for human trafficing. I hope my alterations are not made by a slave. What a world we live in. With all of our good things and knowledge and power there are more people in slavery now then ever in history. But they promised to alter it for free when I bought it and I spent a lot of money. What do you do?
Ogalala
Vacation is nice, only a few calls and emails and reading about myself in the local press. I’m in a Days Inn in Ogalala Nebraska. Touristy enough to drive up the price. I was on a schedule though and this was the exit I wanted to stop in. I’ve made good time and just drove yesterday through increasingly nice weather. I am going to have some continental breakfast and then amble over to the local Boot Hill and visit some cowboy graves. I have a pocket of change and it seems appropriate on the one year anniversary of the Popster’s passing to pay my respects somewhere. He was not buried with his boots on though he probably wanted to be. His only stated wish was to be drove back to the homeland in his pick up and we pulled that off. My TV doesn’t work but there’s a coffee pot in the room so I won’t complain. Even crappy coffee is a blessing though I won’t complain when I get to John’s and go back to drinking home roast. He squirreled away some Kenyan for us when he got his 2 free pounds with the roaster I got him for Christmas. Its good Friday a good day to think about death or in my case death and coffee, or really death and coffee and breakfast. I’ve got a touch of poison ivy, it must be in the yard. I’ll have to go back through with better eyes. Been singing some snatches of verse, maybe i’ll get something done enough to post.
Well I Won
Boy, they’ll let anyone be on city council here in Columbia. Its 2:12 on a weeknight and I ought to be sleeping. I took Fido for a walk after I got home. I went to Steak and Shake as I had been making the rounds and didn’t get to eat dinner. I drank a beer but tried not to hold it all the time. Might look at my press. I’m pretty tired. “Hollowed out with a bit of an echo” I said in an email. Feels good to have the wind blowing through you though. Wrote a snatch of verse:
I don’t go to church
I am a church
Worshiping with anyone who believes in anything
And everyone who believes in everything
Right now the dog and the grass
Election Day
Well at long last it is finally here. I woke up early like I needed to for the plan. I was groggy, sleep has been hard to come by and last night was no exception. Up late doing stuff, mind turning, fitful sleep. I made coffee and grabbed my stainless steel water bottle out of the car pleased with my forethought for remembering where it was in the car and remembering to grab it, not going to have time to drink it at home got to get rolling to glad hand after at the polling place after voting. It wasn’t until the bottle heated up and I dropped it spilling hot coffee all over my hand that I remembered I don’t drink coffee in the stainless steel water bottle but in the stainless steel coffee cup. No harm no fowl. Good coffee though, a light roast Rwandan I roasted yesterday, quite yummy. Almost a nutty flavor.
I got my shower, shave and dressed as fancy I get, pretty much, my nice shirt, my first silk tie I bought new, perhaps all the way back in the 80s. It was late 80s so not totally narrow but narrow on the top and flared out at the bottom, not like they make ties now but passable.
I’d gotten vetoed on taking Fido to campaign with me. Last year, regular readers may recall I took Fido to the polls. It was the day after Dad had died and we were coming back from the dog park. We’d opened up our hearts to some sweet old ladies (sisters I recall) and we had all talked about losing our Dads. At the polling place I saw Henry from across the street (he’s working another polling place this year) and he offered his condolences and me and all the poll workers all talked about losing our dads. I never felt more part of a community then to walk out of my house and find solace in the comfort of my neighbors.
I’m very emotional today, crying as I write this. The campaign has been a wonderful distraction as the one year anniversary approaches but I am melting down today, just a bit. Its normal politically astute folks have told me. Excuse me while I go find a tissue.
That’s better. Breathe in Breathe out. So I walked down to the polls, sans Fido. A neighbor I had spoken to at length yesterday (for the third time, I had won her vote, Bill Pauls came by and stole it, I spoke at length to her husband trying to get a yard sign placement when he told me about Bill, but won her back yesterday on the final pass). She pushed the edge of talking about the campaign in the sacred neutrality of the polling place. I told her I called it a “personal project” when I talked about the campaign at work.
I did the same thing at City Council meeting when I spoke up for some neighbors who wanted a zoning change delayed to gather more neighbors. I publicly commented in favor of the tabling at one of their all’s request and talked about how I had canvassed the neighborhood for a “personal project”. As I was leaving I was set upon by some J-school students for an interview and none of them knew I was a candidate and had a fair shot at being on the Council next meeting. It was funny. (tabling passed 5-1, only dissenter was our current rep who I think is bent because I’ve been campaigning against his comment that the Ward was “apathetic”. He also isn’t trying to develop a cordial working relationship with me as the rest of the council appears to be. I also obliquely referenced that in my comments which probably didn’t help.)
The woman I worked so hard to capture her vote voted absentee yesterday (that’s at least 3 of those plus my own so I’m getting at least 4 votes). Another neighbor was there, I had gone by her house a couple of times but she never answered the door. She’s super-religious and felt she was voting for Pauls, I would have if I was her in spite of a personal connection which she made an oblique reference to herself, so perhaps I did win her vote. I’ve done a good turn or two for the community and there will be some folks who don’t normally vote showing up today.
Seeing yourself on the ballot is pretty cool. These things are close so I chose myself. I got my sticker and put my ballot in the ballot machine.
I went outside and stepped past the “no electioneering past this point” sign and should have slipped on my “Michael Trapp for Ward 2 City Council” badge and started thanking people for coming out but just couldn’t do it. As I told my advisers in an email “I’m not really a friendly and outgoing person. I just learned to act like one and I can’t do it this morning”. The church is my neighbor and they have a sign saying “no trespassing except for church business”. I respect that. The counter-argument is that by providing access to the polls that extends to electioneering on site but it was all to ambiguous, it was early, I felt weird and I am tired, not just tired but weary to the bone.
So I walked home took off my tie and dress shirt and wrote this blog. I am going to make a second pot of coffee and put some time in the garden, perhaps nap if my racing mind allows, and probably take the dog for a walk. I’ve earned a little R&R. Hell I’m going to put shorts on. I closed my email with “If I lose by 3 votes I will feel silly and self-indulgent”. True dat. If I get a chance to do this again I will take a friend with me to buck me up.
short post long weekend
Its the weekend before the election. I got my second wind or something like it. Instead of sleeping poorly and being tired I am sleeping poorly and hyper-alert. We had our canvass pick ups so I got up early and cleaned house. Waking bolt up came in handy but after a long day of door knocking on a hot and sunny day I got home a little before 8:00 fighting off a headache, bone tired, and mind racing. Its pushing 2:00 am and not much has changed. I took a tramadol which knocked it back for a bit but left me feeling a little funny. I may try a couple more after this post.
It was a good day on the doors. Had a rough one early on. A guy who was going to vote for me didn’t like the quote in the Trib where I said “white people are responsible for ending racism”. He said he was tired of whites trying to appease blacks and went on in that vein for a while, he was in the army and worked in a prison. I talked about the difference between prejudice which is a two way street and racism which takes power. I thanked him for being straight up and talking about how he feels. It was kind of sad, kind of weird. A block or two later I run across a strident anti-EEZ guy going over there talking points, long on hyperbole, short on facts. It was starting to look like having public positions on the issues wasn’t as fun as being a political unknown on a listening tour.
After that though things settled down to positive interactions and some enthusiastic support. A little to much sun though. Had dinner with Julie and Sarah. Sarah came into town to canvass. We are going out together tomorrow. Should be fun.
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