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step one part three
Welcome back faithful reader. Its been a busy week and I am to tired to work on the campaign or clean house and the rabbit ears only get in the Christian channel tonight, its encouraging me to tell people about Jesus. I do want to talk about God. I’ve been excited about my literacy project of breaking down the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) into simple, concrete English, with hearing references removed. Its my second pass at the subject, the first in writing and I feel its going well. Glad to have good feedback from my sister Brenda who is steeped in recovery. As a full disclaimer I am not, I am a treatment person not a recovery person but knowing the steps is a good thing for everyone. I feel like a good translator in that I haven’t agreed with everything personally but am trying to capture the spirit of the test which is powerful and has more beauty then I first gave it credit. (I prefer the AA Big Book for sheer literary power).
Anyway I was talking to Chris about the project as an NA guru and genuinely good guy I appreciate his input and I was telling him I had to throw out Higher Power when I was getting down to concrete English and explained God was concrete but Higher Power is abstract. He said “OK, just so you tell him God is other people”. Early recovery people identified Higher Power to make it more accessible which is cool and essential for a lot of folks. But when people believe it just makes it easier to stick to the more real “God”. Its early so I hope to finish the first step tonight and still give my DVD player one more shot at playing a movie.
If we think we are our problems and don’t see our problems are part of being sick we won’t be able to see things right. Addicts are overly sensitive to what is going on. We can’t leave things alone. We have problems because we want to know stuff and fight for stuff but we believe things that are not true. We forget how confused we were when we started to use drugs. Forgetting stuff, confusion, and having trouble doing stuff is normal when we first stop using drugs even if we used to be good at stuff. We get back into life when we stop being confused.
What we see and how we feel is still controlled by drugs when we first get clean. People in NA say, “Give it up to God”. “Take it easy”. “Keep coming until God heals you.” “Keep coming back”. Things like this help us not to be selfish and to accept life as it is.
Recovery helps us live. Recovery is like food. We get into trouble when we don’t let people be free. Addiction keeps us from seeing that what we do makes what happens to us. Recovery is looking at the world as it is. We stop fighting and life is fun and interesting. We can finally be happy because it seems real. Not looking at the world as it is keeps us sick. Only if we admit we are powerless over drugs and give it up to God can we feel better. People who plan on using drugs and won’t admit they are powerless over drugs will keep on lying to themselves. Some people are not addicts and they should get help somewhere else. Addicts can learn about recovery at NA.
Addiction has been around a long time but recovery is pretty new. At first it seems normal and right. In meetings we see other addicts who have stopped using drugs. Then we have doubt and think it is to good to be true. We are trapped because we are afraid to change. Doing drugs makes us think bad things about people, gets our feelings hurt and tells us we can’t be better. Everyone in NA goes through this. We give things to God and then go back and act like we used to. If we don’t want to use drugs we figure out what is going on before we use drugs. If we stop wanting to be clean we will use drugs. If we use drugs we have to get back in recovery.
What we say and what things mean to us makes us do stuff. When we give things to God we don’t have to act on our desires. Going to meetings and hanging out with addicts makes us stop thinking like a drug user. We can look at things in a new way because we are living different. In recovery we try to be sane. Early in recovery we do what people suggest because our thinking is crazy. We need to trust more. We have to accept other people to be in recovery. Then we start calling anything that keeps us from God “crazy”. If we feel bitter about the past we have to make it better. We have to separate fixing ourselves from trying to fix other people. We have to have peace about the past.
Peace can’t come from other people but they can help us have peace. We are a tool of God when we care about other people. We feel like we are connected to people again. Being sane is letting God do things we cannot do. When we run away we take our problems with us. To really escape we have to change.
When we change better things happen to us and we learn new ways to do things. One person said, “We are thankful for this step it means hope, commitment, honesty and freedom. We have to understand this step to understand NA. Knowing God is important in NA. NA makes us free to learn.
If you have problems you can call someone in NA for help. Try not to get discouraged or feeling like you are not doing enough. Ask questions to more then one person. Talk to everyone and learn from everyone. How you understand this step and NA is up to you. You have to own it for it to work.
Every step has helped us understand better and we want it to be great for you. If you get angry or depressed or want to be a rebel, pray, go to a meeting, make list of things you are thankful for, or call someone. Thank you for joining us in recovery. We love you totally with no exceptions.
step one part 1
Introduction:
I’ve had the great pleasure to get to teach the 12 steps of recovery, specifically Narcotics Anonymous over the past year or so. I am a treatment person not a recovery person so I do not usually presume. The Steps are supposed to be worked by a Sponsor. Someone experienced in The Program who has worked the steps themselves. For people with multiple challenges Recovery can be an arduous path and unique accommodations must sometime be made.
If an individual speaks only a foreign language or is deaf and only speaks sign both NA and AA graciously make interpreters available but only for meetings not to meet with sponsors. Using deaf as an example you also have the unique challenge of concrete thinking, translation, and lack of all reference even through metaphor for hearing. I just looked the steps on line(cyber recovery) and translated. And its been cool. One of the most interesting therapeutic approaches I’ve ever tried. Has made me really have to understand the text.
Someone requested I write it down for them. I told them it would be a lot of work but it may be of general interest so I would share it.
Step 1
“We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable”
Not understanding the first step makes people use drugs. Addicts have other problems besides using drugs. People in NA can only help others by caring about them and living life as it is not how we want it to be or fear it to be. NA just focuses on not using drugs.
Using drugs makes you selfish and step one helps that. If we are powerless we don’t have to stick up for ourselves or try to do stuff we can’t do. When we used drugs we tried to hurt ourselves, not because we wanted to but because we were sick. Our sickness is because we can’t remember what has happened or learn from other people. We lie to ourselves and can’t see how things are. Sometimes people wait to make decisions until they’ve been clean awhile and they’re better. Recovery is confusing in the beginning and waiting to make decisions helps. We can’t do that forever as we get better in recovery if we want to grow.
We can’t give it up to God without understanding other addicts. We do what other addicts who have been clean longer suggest. We read, study, and ask questions when we can. We share with others so we don’t plan to use drugs. We try to understand we are sick and can’t get better alone. The most important word in the first step is We. “We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives have become unmanageable”. We are not alone we are in a group in NA. We don’t have to do this step alone.
When we were using drugs we felt the strongest when we were making our biggest problems. Sometimes it almost killed us and ruined our life. We thought we were strong but we could just make people do stuff we wanted. Other times we felt weak and nervous. When bad things happened we would admit we have a problem and things would get better. “We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives have become unmanageable”. Then we can keep getting better forever, unless we decide we’re powerful.
Most ask “Tell me how it’s done? Show me what to do. I am afraid to try.” In NA we see people like us who have gotten better. We wonder if they are like us how can they do good? They do things we don’t think people can do. As we get better we learn that how it was when were using isn’t that way anymore. We are no longer dazed by drugs. We have meetings to go to. We learn new positive thoughts.
We learn to catch ourselves and slow down before getting caught up in things. Almost anything, even important things can wait five minutes. Taking time to think doesn’t mean we can’t do some things. It helps us not to feel hurt. Sometimes we don’t have to do anything and we can give it to God. Then we think of good things to do, people to call, and good things happen when we pray.
Some things remind us of drugs. Sometimes it does and we don’t see it and we don’t know why we want to use drugs. Some people make us think about when we were kids or when bad things happened or like they are the cops and we want to get away. This keeps us from getting better. Learning more about what reminds us of stuff lets us change it. Intense anger, fear, or shame for no reason shows you have a problem. We have to give everything in our life to God. When we remember we are not in control problems go away. Without giving it to God we can’t get better and we will do what we used to do. Part of giving it up to God is remembering we made our lives small. We did bad things and bad things happened. We get confused because we did drugs and need other people to help us. All addicts feel nervous sometimes but they help each other.
We have to look at what we do in recovery. We do stuff for a long time and we don’t think about it. We don’t remember why we do stuff we just do it. The longer we are in recovery we can do things better. We ought to think about what we do especially the stuff we were doing when we were using drugs. They make our life like it used to be. We are afraid at red and blue lights because of the cops but we aren’t breaking any laws and don’t have to be afraid.
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had hoped to finish but will call this part 1. The steps can seem daunting but they are front loaded with length and depth. Most of it is really clear. Occasionally I am lost by a thought. In talking with a translator I was told “clarity” was the essential quality. I am curious of what people who know this material better then I think. I enjoy abstraction but its been cool to lay it down for awhile. In the concrete there is room for God but not a Higher Power. If the New York Times said God is dead in the 60s for this exercise Higher Power is dead killed by vagueness and abstraction.
11 weeks
Coming to terms that I need to be doing campaign stuff every day, though Trevor recommended keeping a day of rest and that seems like good advice. I don’t want to feel pressured by expectations of what a candidate ought to do. I feel like what makes me a good candidate is who I am as a person so changing that more then is necessary seems foolish. The transition music on Christian television is ear shattering. Reminds to surf the other 3 channels and see what’s on. Caught some great Bob Newhart show earlier, it was a nice change from campaign filing requirements. Seems relatively straightforward. I have a lead on an experienced treasurer who has done some campaigns. Also have a lead on someone to handle media stuff and I have a draft of some literature I’m thinking about:
My name is Michael Trapp and I am asking you to join your neighbors in making Columbia’s Ward 2 and Columbia a safer, more vibrant community by electing me to City Council. As your city council representative I will advocate for Livable Streets, Good Governance, and a Future Focus to create a city that is a better place for our children and their children after. As someone who lives and works in Columbia’s Second Ward I am passionate to make our neighborhoods stronger. As a substance abuse counselor at Phoenix Programs, and a former case manager at Columbia’s domestic violence shelter I have insight into the lives of struggling people. If we create city services that are accessible and meaningful for the least amongst us we will have a city that works for all of us.
Livable Streets. With livable streets comes a greater opportunity for outside activity. This puts more eyes on the street and contributes to public safety and neighborliness. We all benefit from safe sidewalks. Those with modest means need good sidewalks and bicycle paths even more. Sidewalks improve traffic safety by moving pedestrians off busy roads. Bicycle routes and paths tell drivers and riders where to be on the street for smooth traffic flow. Livable streets promote a culture of snow and ice removal. They foster cultural opportunities and neighborhood events to decrease isolation. I support greater use of school crossing guards to monitor on-street parking regulations thus ensuring safety near our schools.
Good Governance: I bring common sense decision-making in the best interest of the City and the ward. I am a good istener so Second Ward voters can expect excellent constituent service. Maintaining fiscal responsibility and solid reserves. Passing laws in a deliberate and proactive manner. Avoiding costly boondoggles like Garagezilla.
Future Focus: We will be judged by the city we pass on to our children. Measures of our success will be how we considered future constraints as seen in our transportation planning, school and utility siting and other intensive infrastructure. Decisions should be made with a future focus and a cautious respect of the enormous power of bad decisions that look good in the short term. Protecting our community’s health and safety should always be our highest priority. Maintain what we like about Columbia but position our city to continue to grow into the future.
Mark your calendar for April 3.
Choose Mike Trapp for Second Ward City Council
Paid for by Corporate America. Dick Cheney, Treasurer*
*for purpose of satire only, the internet is still free
Yesterday looked over the budget. Looks complex how projects get put forward there’s a process. Only 3% of the city budget on sidewalks. Not a lot of projects in the Second Ward from a cursory glance. I was asked by the Tribune reporter about getting up to speed and I downplayed that but I know a lot of what I don’t know now and I have a much healthier respect for the learning curve. Ultimately its about applying values and people are stepping forward to help me. Which is good asking for help is not a strength. I have a healthy maybe overhealthy tendency towards self reliance.
I am thankful for unasked for support. Kahlil Gibran says, at least how I remember it “To give when asked is good, to give without being asked, out of knowledge is better”. I am a little nervous. Did get my mind off of it and walked Fido to the park. Mentioned my candidacy to one person not to another. I don’t want to campaign all the time or be on the make, even for votes. Fido got some good play with Robin and Miley which is awesome because their people are on the same schedule. Its staying light out later, that’s going to be nice. The stress of work has become a bit of a sanctuary. It is terribly engaging and demands you to be present almost all the time. Its amazing how things change with perspective.
I want to end with a story. A counselor was asked why the state spent so much money on prisons and so little on treatment in a group of struggling folk. The counselor said “The whole premise of the question is flawed. Your assuming that the state acts under reason and common sense. I have never seen any evidence of that. How things work is that older people vote more then younger people so the electorate skews old. Those folks, your grandparents, aunt, uncles, what have you are pandered too by politicians who promise to make them safe with tough talk about criminals.
They don’t mean you, your well meaning but scared relatives. They think they are these “Criminals” out there, not you who just fell in with the wrong crowd or made a couple bad decisions. Politicians don’t want to look soft on crime and they sell you out. You can’t even vote them out because we have created this permanent group of second class citizens called felons. But things are getting better. The state can no longer afford to just lock people out, there’s not enough money and alternatives are going to have to be looked at. Hopefully one day the Department of Corrections will not be the largest mental health provider in the state.” We can respond to people’s legitimate concerns about personal safety without sacrificing our children to penal serfdom.
Sunny Saturday
Good morning world. Its a sunny and beautiful day here in Columbia Missouri and plan to spend the better part of it outside. The dogs got me up this morning and I have spent a fair amount of time dog butlering. Olive has been working on a bone outside and prefers to hang out. Fido likes to be with me. Neither likes being alone so Olive won’t come in and then barks and Fido has to go out to hang with her even though he doesn’t really want to sit in the grass and watch her eat an old bone and so barks to come inside and the whole cycle starts again.
I did get my dishes done, my laundry on the line (I don’t normally start laundry midweek but slopped some Mexican food on my shirt) and started another load (slopped more Mexican food on a second shirt at lunch yesterday, when it rains it pours). I’ve been to the market (local brown eggs, spinach, lettuce (I am going to eat more salads I tell you), and purple cabbage. Oops Olive gave her lonely bark, have to go let Fido out for five minutes. Wish it were a mite warmer and would just leave the backdoor open.
Yesterday Kevin came over after work and helped me collect signatures. He had a rough time of it, with no one ever having heard of me and him not being me made it a much tougher sell. I also cut us some bad turf trying to move up Texas which apparently has had some break ins or something some scared old Dude around the corner told me. He had run Kevin off and flagged me down when I came up the other side of the street a bit later. He doesn’t like strangers coming to the door especially after dark but as we talked it dawned on him that it gets dark early this time of year and it is the price you pay to live in a democracy and signed my petition. Had a lot of people just ignore me at their door and just continuing on to set their table or whatever.
I did meet a ventriloquist and a guy who operates a ministry for the homeless but neither was registered to vote. Got a card on the ventriloquist though, that might come in handy some time. Even for a rough night of it met some really nice people. I’ve enjoyed the canvassing more then I had anticipated, not having enjoyed it at all trying to raise money for Greenpeace back in the day. One of the low points of my life actually, trying to make enough money for Christmas presents on December evenings in Michigan not really feeling good about myself or where my life was at. This is very different.
Another candidate announced yesterday. Seems like a nice enough fellow but different from me. He didn’t spell out his views on anything being a blank slate ready to listen. Damn, he took my position. Still determining how aggressively I will campaign based on how the race shakes out. There is some concern in progressive circles of two progressives running and splitting the vote to make way for a pro-business candidate like Daryl Dudley who brought in saying the Pledge and wanted to put a giant flagpole on the top of Garagezilla the biggest boondoggle/eye sore in the history of the city. I’m not about that and only want to campaign if its going to help the city. I’m not really into self promotion and am already a little nostalgic for my anonymity. I’ll know more by the end of next week and I’ll keep you posted, faithful readers.
political self censor
I wrote a post yesterday and didn’t post it. Am I self censoring now that I am semi-officially pursuing a seat on the Columbia City Council. No, of course not. I am self censoring for quality. I want to have an interesting blog and I wrote a brief happenings of the day, which was kind of charming I think and then launched into laying out a platform. Getting messaged by the Trib asking for a call when I file my papers generated some pressure to get organized about my political agenda. I had dashed off a Facebook comment on that and used it as an outline. It was crappy and boring and hard to write and not up to what I want to do with the blog.
I get a lot of compliments on the style. I want it to just flow. I want my life to be like that to [too?]. Except for the number those words have stymied me my whole life except for brief periods when it just seems so obvious I’ve wondered how I’ve spent most of my life not knowing.
So what’s been going on. Pretty busy. Yesterday was my late night so I ran some errands in the morning. I sent back all the stuff I accidentally carried away from Michigan and also accrued my first campaign expense by getting some petitions copied in case I get some help on the signature gathering. That is going well and I am over half way to my 75 and I feel like the quality is good.
I tried a little Wednesday morning but a block of Garth showed me why canvassing is done in the evenings and weekends. A block of nobody homes and one wild eyed older woman barely holding a pit bull back shouting some unintelligible name was not home. Getting off at 8, well if I was doing it for a living I would go out until 9:00, later if I was in the flow or desperate. As a hobbyist I like the 5:30-8:00. Even moving towards 8 it feels late. Certainly couldn’t raise the gumption to go out and do it after a long day of work.
Today I met with some folks after work and had dinner at Agave. It was a pretty free form question and answer about the recent city controversies. I was familiar with all of them so reading the paper every day since I moved here has been a good thing. Not counting the opinions of the guy from the Third Ward and the Canadian I won the support of 2 out of 3. It would have been a feat but doable to have caught all three and I learned a lot in the exchange.
Keeping it free form and just try to answer the questions seems like might be a better way then to elucidate talking points and try to work them in. I know I’m sick of the worst excesses of that mentality and maybe being its antithesis is a strength. Its hard for me to want to be political.
I worked on a political campaign and got very turned off by politics. I didn’t like only telling the piece of the truth that helped you win. I didn’t like that narrow focus of a political win and the gamesmanship of it just felt wrong and dirty. I won’t use people or even look at everyone from the lens of what can they do for me.
After dinner I gathered more signatures. Nothing that funny. Leslie Lane is full of characters. I see how I ended up here, I fit right in. Most folks are real nice. The scared ones though, the ones who won’t come to their door, the one who locked their car when they saw me walking up the street, it really breaks my heart. I wish I had a way to tell them there is no need for fear, we can trust each other, we’re all in this together.
2nd ward city council
So my life appears to have gotten a lot more interesting. Its been weird adjusting to an empty house with Dad gone, and John and Kevin moved on with their lives. I have kind of appreciated the silence and aloneness, being social for a living. I was looking forward to getting a little more productive around the house and being more physically active with the dog. But I read the paper.
Last weekend I saw my city council rep Jason Thornhill in the paper with an article that nobody is running for city council in the second ward. Hmmm. They had contingency plans of write in elections if no one applies to be on the ballot or even Jason out of the goodness of his heart said he would continue to serve if no one ran. That seems insane and so I thought, well shit, I am just sitting around with the dog why don’t I do it. I had cancelled my satellite, my DVD player broke and only one channel comes in so its not like I can sit around and watch TV. If I blog more, I’ll start losing subscribers.
So I posted on Facebook, “should I run for 2nd ward city council? Nobody else is.” People liked it and it got 20 comments. Only one cautionary “It’ll cut into your reading time.” But I’m not that into reading anymore, except for comic books (mid 70s Spider Man now). The novel I’m reading has footnotes, that’s kind of wrong in some ways.
It was a holiday weekend so I got to sit on the idea without any way to move it forward. Did hash it around with Trevor and he put me on to a ward map and pushed me to call the city clerk instead of just dropping by as had been my plan. That was a good move. She was very cool. Don’t tell me anything, the media calls every day to see what’s up. My address and phone number will become a public record. Might be OK, right now no one calls and I pay a chunk of change for the phone. I can always just turn off the ringers.
I feel like my address is already an open book. Every drunk and drug addict in town knows where I live because I live a block from the substance abuse treatment agency I work at. I just try to be nice to people and I feel safe.
At lunch I picked up the forms and talked to the city clerk. She was cool and organized. My lunch runs 11:30-12:30 so I can get business done if I’m lucky and I was today. You only need 50 signatures to get on the ballot but you can only submit 75. That makes me nervous because I don’t know if I’ll make the cut off to get them checked and have time to get more. I got 25 today, and turned one down because I didn’t want to go back out which I regret now so I feel pretty good about it. If I knocked them all out by Thursday night I could maybe find out in time to get a few more Tuesday, the cut off day. It would be a nice sign of organizational strength to do it. I have been careful to be clear I need registered voters and have steered clear of rentals when I know of them.
It was surprisingly fun collecting signatures. I went to Henry’s first and he showed me his remodeling project. Our houses were built by the same developer so his copper pipes welded to steel nipples corrosion problem could be an issue for me. I don’t know. John and Mary were next and then I had to hit strangers. It gets dark early so some people thought it was a little sketchy but most were really nice. Some had me in and rounded up the family to sign. At one house there was a dog party so the pug and chihuahua were wearing tutus. The 17 year old demanded an anti-chihuahua policy to win his vote. I had to stand mute and took the political stance that I was pro dog.
An older woman gave me the third degree and couldn’t figure out where I’d seen her before, it came out she was animal control and I got to thank her for her service. The Shaws offered me ginger ale and we got caught up and reintroduced. The guy in his boxers with the pistol in the waste band is now my Facebook friend. I went to almost every house on my street and introduced myself. It was really really cool.
“Are you a Republican or a Democrat?” was the most common question. “I am an independent” I would say which was never good enough so sometimes I would add “I lean to the left though” although once I said “well, I’m actually an anarchist but that seems too complicated to talk about on someone’s stoop”.
i didn’t tell anyone i’m casual about punctuation and capitalization if someone is not paying me to write. the stipend doesn’t kick in for two years so its half a volunteer gig. sacrifice for the community. i’ll pay it but i won’t pay muting my autthentic voice or pretending to be something i’m not.
People want more cops and people want less cops. Maybe its what side of the street your on. Some people want to know what you stand for, and the neighborhood watch was alerted. someone was “canvassing the neighborhood”. He had a cap and had a beard and I’d never heard of his address. He said he was collecting signatures for 2nd ward City Council.
Multiconstruct 
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